.:all forward motion counts:.

2012-01-19T15:53:00.000-08:00

Clearly my lack of posting is probably beneficial for all of you "readers" that I'm almost positive do not exist.

Here's my life in bullet list form, because frankly that's all I have time for. Maybe I'll come back and give a more detailed description someday but for now you're just going to have to settle for my list.

School
Work
Boyfriend
PINTEREST
and somewhere in there I eat, sleep, do homework, and on occasion see my dwindling list of friends.

Life is definitely not what I thought it would be, but I don't know if I've ever been more content with the people in my life as I am these days. Contentment is kind of awesome I must say.

blah!

2011-08-27T20:13:00.000-07:00

Ok ok ok. Here we go again with random nonsense that's been on my mind. I can tell you've all missed it.

Is it naive to believe in a love that lasts forever? That two people can actually make it through everything life throws their way and stay together until death parts them? I honestly, truly believe that it's possible and I honestly want that for my life. I just feel like it's so rare to find that. Every where you look people think of marriage as a temporary institution. Divorce is so common. I just don't understand. See...divorce and marriage is a sticky topic. I have plenty of friends who's parents are divorced and I'm sure I'll eventually have friends that get divorced. It's not like a judgement thing. People have their reasons for ending their marriages and that's up to them. It's their lives and they are free to do what they wish with them. I guess I'm just a little sad. As much as I want to say I don't want to ever get divorced I can't necessarily say that I'll never be divorced. I can say that I will never file. I'm too stubborn. The day that I actually do decide to marry someone from my side of things, they're stuck with me. I can't say that they'll feel the same way though. I mean they could say "I don't believe in divorce" but who's to say they won't change their mind someday? The thought of that happening to me is just....really really scary. I already don't handle break ups well...and that's just in dating relationships. Imagine what a mess I would be after a marriage failure. Sheesh.

I'm sure I have more to say on the topic...and about love in general really, but alas I'm too tired to really articulate my thoughts. Guess you're just going to be left with a cliff hanger....

Over-sharing with the interwebs, which is exactly what I'm doing.

2011-08-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

So sometimes I wonder if sometimes we (meaning I) over-share about my life. I mean for starters, there are very very few people in my personal life that actually know I blog so even if they did take the time to read through my posts, they're actually people I don't mind knowing things so it's all good. I guess I'm just thinking more along the lines of facebook and twitter. Now naturally it's not like I'm saying they're a bad thing because I use both religiously, but it's getting to the point where I'm starting to wonder if I'm just sharing way too much about my life. Like, maybe somethings are just better left unsaid. This whole topic makes me think of a quote from the movie Easy A.

"I don't know what your generation's fascination is with documenting your every thought... but I can assure you, they're not all diamonds. "Roman is having an OK day, and bought a Coke Zero at the gas station. Raise the roof." Who gives a rat's ass?"

And that little nugget is said by the "cool" teacher of sorts in the movie played by Thomas Haden Church, and for real, I kind of agree. I mean I get the need to have to say something and get it off your chest but I feel like we, myself included, just use facebook and twitter as a force field of sorts. The things that we say on facebook and twitter are usually things that we don't have the balls to say in person or they're passive aggressive pokes and jabs at people that just pissed us off for the day. I don't know. I guess I'm just talking out of my butt here but sometimes I just wonder if I share far too much about my personal life with the interwebs and strangers that I've obviously never met, hence the term strangers. Now with most social networks you obviously have some level of "security" to protect your personal information but it's still possible to get hacked and such. Then there's the whole idea that you're sharing information with your "friends" but let's be real....how many of us are actually really good, super close friends with at least half of our facebook friends? Facebook is just a way to creep on other people's lives and pretend you're still friends when you 'like' their status or photo or whatever else they decide to post. Yeah it's great for networking, but for forming lifelong, actual friendships not so much. That needs to be done, you know...in real life. I guess I'm just trying to decide if I want a time out from facebook or not. To be honest, I don't know if I even had the balls to do it. Guess we'll see.

wahhhhh

2011-08-10T18:47:00.000-07:00

So this is just going to be me whining ok? good. Glad we agree that it's ok and since I'm pretty sure not a lot of people read this so I don't plan to be super vague, especially since I can go back and edit it or delete it if I need to. Right now I just need to get this out.

Sooo there's this boy. He's been around for a little while....like 10 months or so. Now this boy is extremely adorable, extremely intelligent, and extremely fun to be around. Sounds like a match made in heaven right? Most days, yes. Lately...not so much. I get that we're two very very different people...for the most part that's why we work well together. That whole balancing each other out thing. But then we have are days when it's like BAM. you're VERY different. Now I'm not even going to try and say that everything is 100% his fault, because it's not. I panic easily. I over-analyze. I have a chronic need to try and fix everything. Those are my flaws. His biggest flaw (in my eyes) is the fact that when it comes to me, he doesn't argue or talk about relationship stuff. So when we're fighting or we disagree about something what would be a small disagreement turns into a fairly big argument that lasts days. It's annoying, really really annoying. Especially since arguing with a significant other is among my LEAST favorite things in the entire world. I know I need to just relax sometimes and realize that I just can't fix everything. Like in my head I know that, in reality I can't make myself do it. In order for me to relax I have to turn my phone off and leave it at home to even try and take my minds off things, but then that leads to a whole different level of anxiety that I won't have my phone on me if someone needs me. I'm crazy. Completely and entirely crazy. The anxiety technology brings sometimes is just too much, but I can't live without it. I just remember the days in jr. high and early high school before I had a cell phone when we used HOME phones. Heaven forbid right? Whenever I wanted to talk to my boyfriend at the time I called his house and we talked or he called my house and we talked. Now I'm old enough to have a cell phone and instead of using that for you know calling people, all we do now is text. Now texting is great, and it sucks. With texting you get zero vocal recognition so something that doesn't sound mean or angry could be read that way depending on the mood of the reader. So of course, when you're a raging crazy like I am at times you can see the mess it can create. Especially when that boy mentioned earlier that doesn't like to talk about relationship stuff also doesn't like to talk on the phone, so everything is through texting. See my dilema? See why I need to whine? See why I'm a raging nut case? Good. Me too.

head -vs- heart pt. 2

2011-08-08T19:23:00.000-07:00

relates to the last post huh?

head -vs- heart

2011-08-08T17:04:00.000-07:00

I think that may be the biggest fight of life. What should you listen to when it really comes down to it....your head? or your heart? Surely there must be a middle ground between the two but I'm pretty sure that would be your nose or your mouth so it would just end up with me smelling and eating everything so that's no good. But seriously, when it comes down to the hard things it's difficult to know which way to go. Countless songs and quotes tell you to listen to your heart, be true to your heart, follow your heart...etc. Then there's other songs and quotes to the opposite affect. Use your head, think things through...etc. Maybe you're just supposed to do both, depending on the situation and which one is applicable. You would think that at 22 years old I would have this stuff figured out. If only life got easier with time, instead it just gets harder, more complicated, and more frustrating.

bugs on the windshield

2011-07-17T18:44:00.001-07:00

I feel like I focus way too much on little things and I don't look at the big picture. This ranges from school things, work things, and my relationships. I try to see things big picture, and when I'm giving advice to people I can see their problems big picture. It's just when it comes to my own that I just get stuck on one thing. On an itty bitty, teeny tiny, unimportant thing. I think I should point out I'm not really speaking in specifics. Nothing has really happened lately so I guess I'm just vaguebooking. It's like when you're driving down the highway and a mosquito hits your windshield and that's all you can focus on. That little speck of guts in the middle of your windshield is all you see. Not the open clear happy spaces that are squeaky clean. Not the open road in front of you...just the small smear on the windshield. It's definitely something that's been on my mind lately...and probably something I should..you know, work on.

Am I The Only One?

2011-06-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one that just goes insane when she's around people too much? I don't know what's happened. It used to be the total opposite. I thrived on being around people. They gave me energy, happiness, confidence...now I spend too much time with people and I'm running the opposite direction. I've finally reached a limit. The past week and a half I've spent almost all my time with groups of people and it's left me drained and exhausted. Yeah, I love all the people I was with and we had tons of fun together but I just feel like I'd reached a breaking point. That realization came last night when I was just a grouch while I was around people. It was totally unfair for me to act the way I was acting and I ended up apologizing for my childish whining and actions the night before so we'll see if forgiveness is in my future...however, seeing as I apologized early this morning and I have yet to hear back I'm assuming I'm in more trouble than I previously assumed. Oh goodie.

I just needed a day, and I took that day today. I did my own thing, relaxed, and just did me. I got some exercise in, some presents finished, cards made, and musicals listened to. Overall, it was just a good day to recharge. Now it's off for a 4 straight days of working, dealing with people, bad attitudes, and bad tips. I'm going to try and remember how great today was in order to make it through. Guess we'll see how far I'll make it.

2011-06-24T19:38:00.000-07:00

Well since my last post you'll see that Chelsea's wedding has come and gone. She looked absolutely radiant. I'm lucky to call such a kind, smart, and beautiful woman my best friend. I look back to that day and I try and think about what she must have been feeling. She seemed completely confidant, calm, cool, and collective. She was so excited to walk down the aisle to Chris, his unconditional love, and their future. What that must've felt like, man...I'm telling you, part of me can't wait to get married. There is another part of me that's terrified. Not because I don't want the happily ever after, but because I've been scarred. I know I talk about it a lot and that I should really just shut up and move on. Trust me...this I know. It's that fear of being that vulnerable with someone again just kind of over takes me sometimes. Things will be going great, absolutely, positively wonderful.....then BAM! Smacks me over the head like a 2 by 4. Love. To know that I feel it is a great thing, but to know that someone else might not, that vulnerability, the possibility of rejection. All those things just make my stomach turn. To know that one person holds that key to a part of happiness and to not know how it happened, or how you've gotten to that point again, it's just mind boggling....

Seriously though. How did I get here again? How did this happen! He some how snuck under my radar and climbed my wall and now here we are. On the cusps of love...at least from my perspective. I haven't the slightest clue where he stands in all this. Clearly we haven't dropped the "love" bomb yet. We're coming up on 9 months together and I'm glad that we haven't rushed anything. We're just bidding our time, enjoying what we have while we have it. I don't know what's happened or how I got to this point. I mean, I've had sneaking suspicions and hints of love for a few months now, and like I said earlier it's kind of just been a 2 by 4 kind of moment...and here I am. Over-joyed mixed with terrified. Over-joyed because I didn't know if I would ever feel the same way I felt before and terrified because I'm potentially setting myself up for serious, painful, and awful heartbreak. I guess it comes with the territory now....

Mmmkay, tangent....well sort of. This has been a kind of weird week for me. Like obviously there's been the whole 2 by 4 realization as noted above, and then there has been some fierce missing of my friends back in Indiana. Now there's the story, and judge me as you will. One of those friends was supposed to come stay with me Wednesday night then we would hang out Thrusday. Well, when I brought it up with the boy he was less than thrilled, understandably so. It wasn't that I couldn't hang out with my friend, it was the slumber part aspect of it so instead of asking my friend to get a hotel that I knew he couldn't afford I was straight up with him and told him what had happened and that I'd have to cancel on him because he wasn't comfortable with it and he said he understood and that we were peachy....except for the fact he's treated me essentially like crap for the rest of the week. So I don't want to be fighting with one of my best friends, so I confront him about it and again he says everything's fine...we're all good...then again, more crap. I just don't know how process it. Like I shouldn't "give up" on my friends just because I have a boyfriend, but why does it have to be one or the other? Why can't I just have both? Maybe I'm the one that's forcing myself to choose. Neither one of these boys has said it's-me-or-him...but I feel like I'm being pulled back and forth. I've got to stop putting all this pressure on myself...que serra right? Whatever will be will be. But maybe, just maybe I don't need the whole world to love me, just that one person.

9 days.

2011-06-09T10:22:00.001-07:00

9 Days. That's all we have left before my best friend walks down the aisle to her future. I'm so excited for her and I can't wait to see what's in store! It's crunch time now though. I went with her to the final dress fitting today and learned how to bustle! So exciting right? Oh the duties of a maid of honor. My speech is coming along, slowly but surely. I figure I'll keep it short and sweet, maybe add in a little anecdote about Chris' first kiss...you know the exciting stuff that weddings are made of....needless to say, 9 days. I have to get my butt in gear!

So this week I had the wonderful opportunity to see the one and only Michael Buble in concert! This was my second time seeing him and he is just so incredible! By far he is one of the best performers I've ever seen. Anytime he is close enough for me to see his show, I will. AND did I mention I got to touch him! AHHHH so fantastic. He's amazing and I love him.

Leaving and Freedom.

2011-05-19T20:31:00.001-07:00

I get like this every few months or so. I just get to the point where I want to leave and run away. Whether it's run away from my problems or from people, I just want to get out of Ohio and run. Just go somewhere new, start fresh and get an actual do-over. It all sounds so dramatic and I don't really mean for it to be, sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with my surroundings and I just have to get out. The annoying thing is though, all it is is talk....no actions. I can never follow through with it. For a while last year I was dead set on leaving America for a year. Just taking off on a plane and finding a nanny job in England, yet here I sit....in my bed....in Ohio. All it is, is talk. All the time I spend thinking about leaving and planning out what I would actually be doing if I could get the balls to follow through with it is just...kind of wasted....

They make the whole thing sound so easy in songs. Maybe that's why I think about it all the time....it's that damn country music I love so much. Dierks Bentley made a living off of songs about drifting, leaving, and running...It sounds so beautiful. I mean don't get me wrong, it sounds lonely as hell sometimes but the idea of freedom and only worrying about yourself sounds so freeing and just beautiful. Drifting from town to town, just meeting new people, making new friends and just starting over with every move.

It's possible that I do this entirely to myself. That I just take everyone else's cares and woes upon myself until I just get so weighted and rundown that I just want to drop everything and run away. Luckily for me I'm fairly irresponsible with money so I never have the money to just literally drop everything and up and move to a different city, state, or heaven forbid, country. Sometimes I just wish I could start over. Not have to live up to every one else's standards for myself...not have to paste a smile on my face and pretend that I'm not totally broken on the inside. The idea of not having to think about everyone else's feelings and how every decision I make will be judged and picked apart just sounds so amazing, so free. Maybe it's the freedom of drifting that I long for so much. The freedom to come and go as I please, to just have the space I need to be the REAL me. Not the candy-coated version I have to show people. Sometimes I really think I'm fooling people. I trick them into thinking that I'm this happy-go-lucky girl that can take on anything, when in reality the littlest things can take me down and destroy me. I don't mean to sound so emo, things just get a little tricky to navigate sometimes....

I think I just need to accept that for the most part, my decisions will never be good enough for certain people. I'm always going to be the screw up. I'm always going to be the one that drops the ball and let's the "good guy" or the "good job" or the "perfect opportunity" get away. Procrastination, imperfection, and laziness will forever plague me and as much as I want to change and as much as I've already changed in comparison to past years, it's still not enough. I guess it just sucks when you're told your choices are foolish and every adjective used to describe your choices are used to describe you as well....foolish, irresponsible, childish, stupid, dumb....I think you get the idea. It does wonders for your outlook let me tell you.

My conclusion : I'm never going to be good enough for certain people, hence the appeal for drifting and leaving. I'll be gone without a trace. The critics won't know where I am and the only ones that matter will get enough letters and phone calls to know I'm alive and safe. Maybe I just have a little patch of a gypsy soul in me, maybe I'm a little sensitive and a little bit of a quitter. Call it what you will but the idea of just drifting through sounds too beautiful to pass up sometimes...but at this point in time, for the sake of my bank account...I have to.

I'm a Rambling Lass

2011-05-11T19:34:00.000-07:00

Alright...let's try and write this out.

These past few days have been confusing and my mind is running a million miles a minute, prepare for many ramblings.

It makes me think of John Green and An Abundance of Katherines. The only thing my mind can seem to process right now is the Dumper/Dumpee paradox. Is one always one or the other? Or is it possible to be both. I've always been the dumpee, never the dumper. It may just be because I get too attached. Maybe I'm just naive enough to think they'll grow up or change. Maybe it's because I'm so freaking stubborn that I think that it's just a phase and if we power through we'll come out on the other side closer and stronger. I just don't understand somethings anymore but I'm not about to air out all my dirty laundry at the risk of who could potentially be reading.

Why is money so important? I get it purpose really, but I guess I don't understand the stress of it all. I mean trust me, money is one of the biggest things I stress about. It's ridiculous and it's stressful and it sucks. So annoying and so frustrating.

Frost/Nixon : fantastic movie. love it. love the history of it all. I wish I would have been alive during the time. Nixon was clearly disturbed and paranoid and all around kind of a loon, and to see a British reporter come in and basically take him down and get that explanation that the American people wanted. Amazingly epic. It kind of gives me a nerdgasm.

and finally.

DISC GOLF. I suck, so so so terribly bad. I made boyfriend and I lose. Not very good.

6 month's come and gone....

2011-05-03T19:22:00.000-07:00

Almost 6 months later, and here I am again! I could bore you all with the lame details but how about a general overview?

Well what have I been up to you ask? SCHOOL. SCHOOL. and you guessed it! MORE SCHOOL. I sound like I'm whining and while yes, part of me is just because it's finals week, I have LOVED school. The weekly routine was definitely missed. I love that each week everything was planned but my schedule was still free enough to where I didn't feel like my brains would explode every day. I've also decided that I might have the easiest major in the world. That could also have something to do with the fact that I am a gigantic nerd and absolutely love history. Most people don't understand why I love it so much. When I tell them my major they just look at me like I'm crazy but that's ok...we've all got our thing, history's just mine. Sad to say, however, school is quickly drawing to an end. Finals week is upon us and I'm one final down....one more to go until I'm done with another year of school. That means I'll have plenty of time for the other thing that's kept me away from you blogger.....

WORK. While I understand that I'm very lucky to have a job right now, I sometimes wonder why I'm there. Why do I choose to wait tables five days a week? In what world did I think it would be smart to be in another customer service job? In reality I'm a college student...pretty much any job for me right now is going to be a customer service job. I've done it before and I can do it again. And here comes my rant....someone please explain to me why it's ok for people to be rude. Honestly, I get that you're hungry but if you see that I'm running around doing things for my 4 other tables don't snap your fingers at me, mean mug me, then roll your eyes at me when I explain why you don't have the tortillas you didn't ask for. I am not a mind reader. I am your server. If you tell me what you need I'll get it for you. Don't expect me to just automatically know you loons.

and finally the last thing that's kept me away...BOYFRIEND.

Oh boyfriend...where to begin. He's fantastic, insane, silly, sweet, and just so precious. I'm a lucky little lady. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like our relationship is all unicorns and rainbows, we have our moments and sometimes our moments are pretty intense. It all comes full circle though and clearly works out for the better. Sometimes the easiest way for me to describe relationships is through words that are not my own...like this for example...

"...bottom line, couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship everytime, if it's right and they're really lucky, one of them will say something..."

That little nugget was taken from an episode of scrubs and it's entirely true. If you're right for each other the crap won't take you down. Someone will fight for that relationship. It's encouraging to think about really. I love the quote. LOVE it.

Well there you go. You're caught up on my life. You're welcome. I'm sure you've been sitting on the edge of you seat waiting for a post. I probably just made your day. again...you're welcome.

Just remember....I wrote it for you.

2010-12-27T20:26:00.000-08:00

It's shocking really how completely different my life has turned out....I had the opportunity to hang out with old friends from high school tonight and it was so great to see them. I love them...I've missed them but wow...I feel like sometimes I'm on a completely different life path then they are. Our night was spent catching up with little tid bits here and there about school, life, and most importantly love. Most of our conversation was taken up by the topic of marriage. MARRIAGE. Am I really that old? It seems crazy to think that in like 2 years most of my friends will be married. I'm old....ancient really. I don't even know if I'm there yet mentally....if I'll even let myself fall that far for a while. I sit here and think though...not that long ago that was my plan. I was there. I was ready then it all came crashing down. Now don't get me wrong....God taught me a lot of important lessons and I'm sure in all of these feelings of confusion and craziness His plan will shine through. It just seems so strange to me....to be in your early 20's and married. My sister did it, my best friend is doing it....I'm not saying it's not possible it's just strange to me. Maybe because of my experience I've become jaded to the whole idea of being married young, of living the whole fairy tale dream of love at first sight. Tonight as we were talking I found myself trying to talk my friends out of it...of being married so young. I told them I'll support them no matter what decision they make but geez oh peas....they're so young. We're so young....I feel like we have so much living still to do. Maybe it's selfish that I don't want to share that with anyone...that I don't want to be tied down and that I just want to live. I don't know. I'm in an entirely different world than they are these days. I remember how it was at IWU. In the process of getting your real degree, you get your MRS. degree. I get it...I was there. It's amazing how one love can just leave you jaded. It's not that I'm not over him because that's long over and long gone....but it's hard to think that had things worked out the way I planned I would married right now. This very second. Instead I'm not in school, waiting tables, and living at home. While my boyfriend's great and I don't really regret how things worked out, I can't help but feel like I've missed out. All my friends are getting married, talking engagement rings, moving on to the next chapter in life and I'm just stuck. My life is stuck in the college chapter for the moment. I want to move on too! I want to get to the next chapter in life but I guess I should finish writing the current chapter so my life...you know...makes sense. When you skip pages in a story nothing makes sense. I feel like skipping through real life would be way worse. I guess I'll just keep trudging through and keep writing my story. Just remember...I wrote it for you.

'tis the season....

2010-12-19T22:11:00.000-08:00

Well ladies and gents, it's that time of year again! Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Happy Hanukkah...etc. The holidays mean so many things...the optimistic see the family togetherness, the giving, the great food, and the magic of the holidays. The pessimistic see the consumerism, the long lines, the short fuses, and of course the unbearable parking. I'm not going to lie...the longer I work in customer service based places, the more pessimistic I become. Don't get me wrong, I love the family togetherness, the baking, the giving....it just seems to be overcast by the grumpy costumers, the poor tippers, the miserable parking and almost getting run over walking in to work by insane mall shoppers. Oh well I guess all I can say is, 'tis the season.

On a side note, I feel like I should find a new job. The one I currently have seems to be sucking the life out of me. Yeah tips are great...walking out every night I work with cash is wonderful, but sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for the food business. For starters I can barely spell restaurant. The only reason it was just spelled currently was because of spell check. Secondly, I feel like I'm just too nice. I used to be so nice, so happy. Then I started working there and slowly but surely, I've lost that happiness. So many people just complain about stupid things. Oh there's no ice tea? So let's stand here for 5 minutes and yell to see who's job it is to make the ice tea instead of you know....making it. Let's just use our brains for a second. Who really cares who's job it is....be a team player. Help out your co-worker and help yourself in the process. Don't just stand there and complain about it. Geez. I just feel like this place is making me lose parts of myself. I'm fading so fast and it's hard to just get my sanity back. I have a week off thank you Jesus to kind of just be a real person again. To just be happy. That's all I want in life really, to be happy. I leave in the morning for Indiana to go see my best friends. I just want to breath and feel happy again. Sometimes I feel like Indiana is the only place I can do that. Man, I love the country.

it's just been that week.

2010-11-28T20:04:00.001-08:00

Ever had one of those weeks that progressively gets worse and worse as the week goes on to the point of tears? Yeah...me too.

It's ultimately my fault. A classic case of stretching myself way too thin. I haven't gotten much sleep, I've fought with the boyfriend, worked too much and made no money, and not to mention actually cried. Me....crying. It never happens so that just tells you how great it's been. I suppose there's no use dwelling on the misery that happened. I should probably just let it go and hope that this next week turns out much better. Hopefully a week with more sleep, less stress, less fighting and ZERO crying. That's my wish for this next week. A less stressful, easier to manage week.

With Thanksgiving over, I suppose it's finally time to start focusing on the next holiday. CHRISTMAS. Oh the thoughts of consumerism and holiday shopping thrill me....not. People get way too intense over Christmas gifts. Giving gifts is great....it really is. I LOVE buying gifts for my friends, but at the same time actually going out to the mall or target or walmart just gets way too crazy for me. I mean holiday shopping kicks off on Black Friday. The day of "super savings" long lines and crabby shoppers and workers. I'm glad to say I didn't participate in Black Friday shopping this year. I just don't feel like it was worth the stress to me. Large groups of crazy coupon clippers fighting over the last of the 14 inch HD tv that's going to break in a year just don't appeal to me. It actually tends to give me a little bit of anxiety. When I was younger I lived for Black Friday shopping. It was tradition. Now I just can't do it. Maybe it's because I've been on the working end of the Black Friday spectrum in both retail and now the restaurant industry. From a retail stand point you have the needy customers that take out their aggression on you because you can some how control not having their size in a $50 sweater at a completely different store in the mall. From the restaurant stand point you have the people that spent far too much money on the massive Black Friday bargains and don't tip anything. Whatever way you spin it, it's lame and I'm kind of over it. I'm over you Black Friday. You just aren't worth my time.

By now I'm sure you've realized that my thoughts never seem to coherently flow together. It's kind of just random paragraphs put together in one post. Believe it or not ladies and gentleman, that's actually how my brain works. Jumping from one pointless topic to the next. It's great to be me sometimes....

So let's talk about jealousy for a second. Could someone please explain to me the point of it? I mean ok...everyone wants a little jealousy in a relationship, whether they will admit it or not. Everyone wants to know that the person they're with know's they're lucky to have that other person. It's just that over load of possessive, jealous rage that is so not cool. When that person tells you who you can and can't talk to....not ok sir. Especially when it's a double standard. It's those dang double standards....every relationship has them and they suck. If it's ok for you to tell me who I can talk to then it's ok for me to tell you who you can talk to or who you can hang out with right? Yeah that's what I thought. Needless to say, this may have caused a huge fight between my boyfriend and I. It hasn't really been resolved yet. Don't really know when it's going to be but I suppose until it is I'm just not going to talk to anyone. Kind of just slip in to hiding and ignore the world. Sometimes I wish I were financially able to just do that. To just call off a couple days of work and fly somewhere to see some friends or just escape to a city where I don't know anyone and just explore. Sometimes I just wish I could take a little me time. Maybe that's me wanting to run away from my problems instead of just facing them like an adult. Say what you will, I don't care. The thought of just leaving for a few days to clear my head just sounds like a wonderful idea. Too bad I'm working another 35 hours this week and have a broken car and zero money to call my own. If only money really did grow on trees....maybe I'll work to invent that. A money tree. Then I'll be rich forever.

2010-11-18T17:14:00.000-08:00

I feel like these days I'm a quote machine. I'm finding them in the weirdest ways....youtube videos, fiction novels, movies, ridiculous friends. The unfortunate thing about it though is I hear all these great quotes but like a genius, I forget to write them down.

You know its really shocking...I have all this free time yet I still manage to accomplish.....nothing. One the upside I have been accepted to school and I've successfully send them my FAFSA but I have yet to register for classes which I'm pretty sure is the whole point of school. I just would love to fast forward all the boring stuff and have it actually done. That was the great thing about IWU. They literally had everything mapped out for you. There was a list of every class you needed to take and what semester to take them. There was really no thinking involved, kind of awesome...but it kind of screwed me in the whole having to do things for myself aspect. Guess I'm going to have to learn then.

On a side note it's basically Christmas and I've already bought my boyfriend his present and it's AWESOME. So awesome. I mean really I went above and beyond what I probably should have done seeing as we've only been together for like 3 months and 2 of those months we weren't even dating, but I truly wanted him to have what I got him. For being a huge football fan he's NEVER been to a professional game so I'm taking him to the Browns Steelers game! They're 4th row seats....amazing. So excited and I hope he opts to take me. I mean, if he wants to take his best friend I won't be super offended....anyone else though I'll be pissed. He's a pretty awesome guy though so I wanted to get him something great and I feel like I did. He goes with me to Harry Potter at midnight, I reward him with amazing football tickets :)

Oh My Boys....

2010-11-01T21:28:00.000-07:00

Mmmmm. looooove Michael Buble. Seriously, if I could I would marry him. That smooth voice, his charming smile and oh how beautiful he looks in suits. Michael Buble, I love you. Give up that inevitably beautiful model you're with and take a chance on a quirky half-asian from Toledo....

Ok ok....enough with the fantasizing. Back to reality. Reality lately seems to include lots of missing the life I once had. I wish I could be back in Indiana sometimes. Those boys are seriously so special to me. I tend to play favorites sometimes but in all reality, Brock, Russ, and Ryne you're all on an equal playing field. Brock, you were the friend when I needed one the most. Right after the break up you took me in to your inner circle. You say it's only because you wanted an Asian friend but I truly think you enjoy my company no matter how much you want to deny it and as much as I'd like to deny it....even though on most occasions you make me crazy, I'm glad we're friends. Russell Cade. My second favorite....you by far give the best hugs. You know how to make a lady feel special and while for a split second I could call you "mine" in the end you deserve a special lady. Someone much more special than me and you know that. You and your constant witty comments and movie chatter always keeps me entertained and when I really need it, you listen to my incessant whining and pouting. I'm sure you claim it's because you have no choice but deep deep deep down I know you care. I know I know, you're a robot....or Spock, but I know you have feelings somewhere in there. And Ryne Ryne Ryne. My eternal favorite. My emo little friend. How I enjoy your company. I never run out of things to talk about with you. You know every detail of every romantic relationship I ever had and at the end of each one you remind me that I need to stop dating douches. Only time will tell if I've broken that habit with this one....so far all signs point to maybe. You make me laugh with your deeply seeded sarcasm and your stories of dunhams or the latest moron you've encountered. Basically you're awesome or even better, you ARE batman. I guess the moral of the story is I miss you boys. The whole three hours away thing sucks pretty bad. I could use some Indiana hugging these days. And some bonfires. And oh my Lord a Wildcat crispy chicken with BBQ sauce. That may be the only thing I miss more than you three. Looks like a road trip is in order....if not for you boys then DEFINITELY for the crispy chicken. I think I should make that happen.

"I'm impossible to forget...

2010-10-19T22:09:00.000-07:00

but hard to remember..."

Let me just start by saying I don't plan for this to me some super deep insightful post because in all honesty I don't really see myself as the deep insightful type of person. That being said here we goooooo!

"Do you ever just think I'm fooling everybody?"- Claire Colburn. Sometimes I wonder about the person that I am. Like the way I view myself and the way others see me are probably completely different. I see myself as the girl next door with the ridiculous quirks but a sweetheart that will stand by your side no matter how pissed she may be at you. Or in theatrical terms pretty much every character Meg Ryan has ever portrayed in a movie with a dash of Claire Colburn (played my Kirsten Dunst) in Elizabethtown. I'm incredibly indecisive, overly obsessed with youtube, an over-analyzer, and a terrible cook. There are some days when I really struggle to see what anyone could possibly see in me. Today seemed to be one of those days. I was productive per the request of my boyfriend. I turned in my application to get my butt back in school, I picked up my contacts...I even got a nap! Productive day indeed. Then I was on the phone with my mom and all the good juju the productivity brought me came crashing down. The stress began seeping back in. The crap wagon began to fill up again and all the ugly qualities I have came bursting through the seams of my jolly mood. I don't want to say that I "hate" my father because thats suuuuuch a strong word. I just don't get him sometimes. I think he can be unbelievably selfish. I think he doesn't think things through before he acts and I think that anything he does has strings attached to it. All in all, if you can't tell I'm not exactly doing cartwheels about anything related to my father. That crap wagon I emptied so long ago is just being piled and piled on with more and more crap. I just can't find a way to let it go right now. I'll survive this. I've survived everything else that's happened. God's still God and in the end He's got my back. It won't be easy...I'm sure sacrifices will have to be made but I'll survive. I just wish as you got older life grew easier....apparently it doesn't. It gets worse. WAY worse. And I don't mean to sit here and complain because that's not my intention at all. I guess this is just my way of processing my emotions. Typing out my thoughts, using other people's words and quotes to relate to my life. As lame as it is...blogging helps me "express myself". Gosh I sound like a nut case. Oh well. It is what it is.

"Sadness is easier because it's surrender. I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free." - Claire Colburn

This Could Be Ignorant...

2010-10-13T15:15:00.000-07:00

Holy long time gone batman.

Well it's been over a month. What is there to say. How have I grown. What's new and has changed. Let's start with the easy things...I work all the time, I have a ridiculous television schedule I keep up with at the risk of going insane, I still have an unbelievable addiction to youtube and am still proud to be a nerdfighter, and I now have a boyfriend as of...well 1 o'clock this morning. There are the easy things. You all seem to be caught up now.

What's been on my mind you ask? Oh you know...those easy questions of life really. The biggest thing on my mind is the non-Christian -vs- Christian debate. More specifically a Christian dating a non-Christian. It's a confusing thing really. Who's to say who's a Christian and who isn't? Isn't that for God to judge anyway? I guess I'm just getting to a point in my life where I'm so over the "rules" that seem to be automatically assumed with Christianity. I really don't think that's what it's about and I mean it's not like I've been doing tons of digging and researching so I may be completely ignorant on the issue. What does Jesus say are the two greatest commands. 1) Love the Lord your God with all your heart and 2) Love your neighbor as yourself. Those are the greatest commandments and I'm not saying we should just ignore everything else because we shouldn't but I just get so tired of other Christians just looking down their noses at me. For them to judge me for the decisions I make. There is a point where yeah if I'm going out and getting crunk every night, sleeping around with tons of men, doing crazy and copious amounts of drugs and have a flagrant disregard for everything then yeah...let's have an intervention. However, if I haven't been to church in a while and you've never spoken to me before don't give me the stink eye. Please don't come up to me and say how nice it is to finally see me back at church. You don't know my business. That's for God to judge, not you please and thanks. Same thing goes with if I decide to date a "non-Christian" or however you'd like to label it. I'm not asking you to do it. I'm not asking you to give me your opinion. At the end of the day that's between me, the other person, and God. That's kind of it. I mean I get that some people offer their advice because they care about me and they have my back. That's great and I'm thankful for it but again...I'm an adult. It's my decision to make.

Let's see what else is there to say....I guess there really isn't anything else to report. I'm still the same old person. Same old issues. But all in all, I'm lucky. I've got great friends, an awesome family for the most part and now a great boyfriend. My job is still consistent and I'm still healthy. As far as I'm concerned...I'm lucky and I'm blessed. God's been good to me.

flimsy-foldable me.

2010-08-30T22:01:00.000-07:00

"The truth is that whenever I went up to the top of the SunTrust building--including that last time with you--I didn't really look down and think about how everything was made of paper. I looked down and thought about how I was made of paper. I was the flimsy-foldable person, not everyone else. And here's the thing about it. People love the idea of a paper girl. They always have. And the worst thing is, I loved it too. Because it's kind of great, being an idea that everybody likes. But I could never be that idea to myself. Not all the way. And Agloe is a place where a paper creation became real. A dot on the map became a real place, more real than the people who created the dot could ever imagined. I thought maybe the paper cutout girl could start becoming real here also. And it seemed like a way to tell that paper girl who cared about popularity and clothes and everything else: You are going to the paper towns and you are never coming back." - Paper Towns

Did I ever mention how much I LOVE John Green? Awesome for sure.

This summer has been interesting for me to say the least. A lot of things changed for me. I worked two jobs pretty consistently through the summer which made for a good amount of money but left me tired with basically no social life and no time for me. The rare days I wasn't working I spent the day just being lazy and sleeping and really doing NOTHING productive. Through the summer though, I've changed and not necessarily for the better. Everyday was spent working. I was making lots of money but my spending habits were also kind of ridiculous. Everything I spent money on was basically a waste. Clothing, movies, make-up and other nonsense that I didn't really need is what I spent my hard earned cash on. Some how in the process of making the money I just lost part of who I am. I bought in to the material possessions. I justified everything I bought too. Every item of clothing I could wear to work and be "current" for that season. Every movie I bought I would tell myself it's better than spending all that money at the video store to rent it everytime I want to watch it. All the make-up would make my skin better and cover up my stupid scars. Well ladies and gents with every justification I became a little more vapid and a little more shallow. Now I've re-read Paper Towns and BAM. I feel like I am Margo. I loved the idea of being a paper thin girl. Of being that girl that everyone loves. The girl that's popular and just basically awesome. Here's the thing though, that feeling didn't last long. Did I love the attention I was getting? Oh yeah, for sure but I've come to realize that with attention comes pressure. The more attention I received, the more pressure I put on myself. Everytime I would leave the house, even if it was to just run a quick errand, I would change like 3 or 4 times. Everything had to be perfect. I had to look perfect and it is quickly getting old for me. I'm ready to leave and never return because Toledo has become a vacuum of consumerism and vapidity. Lately, I've felt like a lost cause.

This brings me to the other day. One of my good friends was preparing to leave for school and before he left, he and I went to get coffee. So I went to pick him up and we just started chatting away as usual. A little bit later after we were all settled in at Starbucks he pulled the "but really Chelsea, how are you doing." This is where I launched in to my whole recent debacle. He's always been super honest with me so I asked him, am I really shallow? His answer, well...yes and no. I'm sorry, what? His take on things is that I come across shallow when you first meet me and then the more you get to know me the less shallow I am to a point. He also told me that the things I choose to complain about are really stupid. For example, on the car ride to Starbucks I had been talking about how recently there are a couple boys from work that want to date me. Looking back it was such a stupid thing to complain about because really...WHO REALLY CARES. Why did I choose to whine about that? I can't even say that was the only time I've ever complained about it and while yeah, it kind of is a problem for me because I don't ever like to hurt anyone's feelings by telling them I don't like them in the bigger scheme of things, no one really cares. There are so many other things to worry about like how did I live for God today? How can I reach out to others? How can I serve? These are the things I should be worrying about. These are the things I should be thinking about. I hate that lately I've become a paper girl. I want to actually be real again. Someone that cares more about current events and others than the latest fashion trends at J. Crew. Maybe that's just one of the many downfalls of working at a retail store. You get sucked in to the clothing vortex and lose sight of real life. Or maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm the only one that can't seem to balance the two. All I know is, I've got a lot of work to do in these coming months. It's going to be a long road.

paper dolls in a paper town.

2010-08-24T11:29:00.000-07:00

This little angel is my new kitten. Her name is Margo Roth Spiegelman named after one of my literary heroines from John Green's book Paper Towns. Currently I'm re-reading it for like...the millionth time and in true John Green fashion, he's got me thinking about things because that's just what John does. In his books, in his video blogs on youtube, in (some of) his tweets, his actual blog posts John always finds a way to get me thinking about life. Basically, John is made of awesome.

I'm going to type out an excerpt from paper towns that got me thinking. Here's the scene...Margo and Quentin have just rained hell on their enemies and their in downtown Orlando in an office building looking out at the city...

"It's more impressive." I said out loud. "From a distance I mean." You can't see the wear on things you know? You can't see the rust or the weeds or the paint cracking. You see the place as someone imagined it." [Quentin] "Everything's uglier close up," she said. "Not you," I answered before thinking better of it. Her forehead still against the glass, she turned to me and smiled. "Here's a tip: you're cute when you're confident. And less when you're not." Before I had a chance to say anything, here eyes went back to the view and she started talking. "Here's what's not beautiful about it: from here, you can't see the rust or the cracked paint or whatever, but you can tell what the place really is. You see how fake it all is. It's not even hard enough to be made out of plastic. It's a paper town. I mean look at it, Q: look at all those cul-de-sacs, those streets that turn in on themselves, all the houses that were built to fall apart. All those paper people living in their paper houses, burning the future to stay warm. All the paper kids drinking beer some bum bought for them at the paper convenience store. Everyone demented with the mania of owning things. All the things paper-thin and paper-frail. And all the people, too. I've lived here for eighteen years and I have never once in my life come across anyone who cares about anything that matters."

I have the bolded section written down and pinned to my wall. First time I read that when the book came out I was kind of taken aback. It made me really take a look at my thoughts and priorities. I don't ever want to be a paper person. Someone that's so vapid and shallow. It would be foolish of me to think that I won't have my moments, because let's be honest now, I'm human and I'm female. Growing up in a private school and being the youngest I've become accustomed to being spoiled and having nice things. I'm really trying to remember though that it really doesn't matter. I dream of the day when I can move away to some small town in the country. A place where it doesn't matter what you wear, what you look like, or what you drive. A place where people get to know you before they make a snap judgement. A place where people care more about others than about themselves. If a place like that exists, sign me up.

I just get so tired of having to live up to a certain expectation that other people seem to have of me. From far away you can see the shallow, vapid Chelsea. The one that's always put together with her J. Crew pieces and a plastered smile on her face. I've been told I'm "attractive" or some other form of that type of compliment, but it's like Margo says, everything's uglier close up. The closer you get the me, the more flaws you'll see. The more you get to know me the more character flaws you'll see in me. I just wish it were easier to change. I just think that if I could move away and start over I wouldn't fall into the same habit, but who am I kidding, change wouldn't be any easier. I'm not trying to whine because I'm blessed beyond what I deserve. God's been so good to me. I just need to be reminded that I'm not a paper doll. I have something holding me here that's more important than owning things. Screw consumerism. There are more important things in life. Now to just remember that.

no.more.casanova's

2010-08-15T22:10:00.001-07:00

I just wish people could be real with me sometimes. I've never been one for sweet talk. Be honest with me. Don't try and tell me that I'm so awesome or that I'm the most beautiful girl you've ever met. These are lines and pretty crappy ones at that. Just be real with me. I know my flaws are there. They stare me in the face everyday. I'm sure that anyone who reads this is going to be like "is this girl REALLY complaining about being told she's pretty..." and the answer to that question is yes, I am. I'm not going to say I've been hearing this all my life because I haven't. Once I hit high school and college though, I started hearing it and at first I fell for it...every time. Now I just don't believe them. I don't know if it's because I've been used too many times or if it's because I've fallen for douche bag after douche bag, but it's gotten to the point where I just want someone to be real with me. Stop trying to sweet talk me and just talk to me. Don't treat me like every other girl. I'm not every other girl. I'm me. I'm Chelsea. I'm an individual. Don't come at me with all these tired lines and expect them to work on me. Be a real person because that's what I want. I don't want someone that's a smooth talker.

I realize this post comes across as arrogant and self-centered but please realize that is not what I intended. I'm just frustrated with guys that sweet talk. It doesn't work on me. It just makes me suspicious and paranoid. Tonight I've heard all sorts of sweet talking and lines from guys and it finally got to the point where I turned to one of my good friends and just asked him to be real with me for one second. I needed someone to just talk to me like a normal person. Not tell me how "great" I am because if you know me at all you'll know I'm not. I have my moments, but all in all I'm not as great as everyone thinks. I just feel like I have all these expectations that people have in their heads when they talk to me like that. Maybe I'm over-analyzing but it gets to a point where I just need someone to be honest with me and that's why I turned to Josh. When I asked him to be real he sent me a link to a website that I'm going to post. The article was great and it gave me a lot to think about. http://www.crosswalk.com/singles/11620940/

If you read the article this next little rant will make a little more sense. Yes I am loved by God and yes, I was worth dying for. God loved me THAT much. It's just hard to understand sometimes. I know my flaws very well and the fact that even with my flaws God loves me still kind of amazes me. Then I think to myself, well ok God loves me but there is no possible way that someone could ever love the REAL me. The me that whines when she's tired. The me that stares at the scars on her skin. The me that is constantly worried that she'll never live up to the expectations her friends and family have for her. The me that's riddled with insecurities. The real me is not always pleasant to be around but she's always eager to please. Everyone wants to be loved, but I want a real love. Not a shallow, wistfully romantic love that fades as quickly as it starts, but a progressive love. One of mutual care and mutual service. That's the love I want and until that gets here it looks like its just me and God, and honestly, that's the perfect thing for me right now.

2010-07-23T23:35:00.000-07:00

I have once again become a miserable failure in life. I'm pretty sure I have A.D.D. when it comes to life and staying on track. Everything distracts me from what should really be my one and true focus and I'm way to frustrated with my decision making process these days.

just a little rant.

2010-07-13T22:49:00.000-07:00

It seems like all the relationships in my life have just shifted in the past few weeks. People that I talked to everyday have fallen off the face of the planet and people that I haven't heard from in years have been blowing up my phone. It's a strange place to be. I'm not sure if I like it....

I can't really say that I have much to talk about right now. There are plenty of things I could whine about but I'm pretty sure it won't solve anything. I have had a lot on my mind though, especially when it comes to my faith and what I believe. A lot of it has to do with do I actually believe this? or is this just what I've been taught my whole life and it's easier to go with the flow than try and stick up for what I think? I'm not quite sure what I believe anymore. Hold on, let me rephrase that so people don't think I'm offering up animal sacrifices in the backyard. I'm 100% a Christian. I believe that I am a fallen human and a sinner and that I've been saved by the blood of Jesus Christ who was the ultimate sacrifice and that by asking him to forgive me of my sins I will spend eternity with him in heaven. It's the fine points of Christianity that I'm struggling to deal with. Topics mainly having to do with the church and how they approach things and just what being a Christian means -vs- what Christians actually do. Now don't get me wrong I get that we're human. I get that we will never in a million years be perfect. So why is it that most Christians act like they're perfect and flawless? Why can't they just be open and honest with their flaws? Why do they have to hide them and point out mine? Yeah, so I swear from time to time and I've said plenty of things that I shouldn't have. You weren't there later that night when I confessed my wrong doings to God. You weren't there when I seeked his forgiveness. You don't know me, my life, or my situation and you make NO attempts to try to understand me. Don't judge me. You are not my pastor. You are not my friend. You are just someone who thinks they know my life and wants to drag the bones out of my closet so no one goes peeking around in yours. Jokes on you though. My life is pretty much an open book. So feel free to pass your judgement but at the end of the day God is my judge. Not you....so go find something better to talk about.

2010-06-11T22:09:00.000-07:00

Just a short thought for today.

Recently, I've had a few people compliment me on my skin. Now I'm going to back track and say my skin sucks. I used to have really bad acne so I now have lots of scars and such. Not pleasant. I switched over to bare minerals for my make-up and I use their skin care line (not like you really care) and I guess my skin is improving. Here's my question/thought. Why is it that in ourselves we automatically see the flaws? I mean yeah it keeps us humble, but depending on the situation it also makes us insecure. My skin is still one of my biggest insecurities. When someone looks at me they don't see my scars or the size of my pores. When I look in the mirror all I see is huge pores, blackheads, pimples, and scaring. Am I the only one that has this issue? Or is it kind of something everyone deals with and struggles with? This is my life.

go go gadget....

2010-06-07T22:12:00.001-07:00

It's 1 a.m. and I need to sleep...yet I'm still awake, computer still on, and I'm texting the night away.

Why is it that so often gadgets and gizmos distract us from what we should actually be doing? Let's be honest now. How often are we checking our cell phones during church? Texting a friend during the sermon or putzing around on facebook instead of reading the Bible or praying? Believe me, I'm the guiltiest person of this. It's a rut that I seem to be stuck in that I'm having the worst time trying to get out of. I'm stuck and I don't really want to be anymore. I'm looking for my escape.

God, I realize that the technology I have access too is such a blessing and could be used for your honor and glory. I just pray that I'll learn self control and responsibility when it comes to using what you've given me. I don't want texting or facebook or anything equally ridiculous to come before you. You need to be the number 1 priority in my life. I want to get there. I'll need a hand though. Help me out of this rut.

It's Go Time.

2010-06-06T23:23:00.000-07:00

As you can tell, it's been a while. I don't have much to say and my laptop is going to die soon so I'll make this brief.

Life is far too short to worry about the stupid things in life. This is something that's been hitting me in the face lately. Recently a friend of the family and her son were both taken home to be with God and it kind of just smacked me in the face. She was in her mid thirties...her son was 4 years old. They both still had so much life left to live but God took them home. What if God takes me home tomorrow. What have I done that's even worth anything? What have I done for God? This is the question I need to focus on. I've done so much talking...not enough doing. I've made plans to change, but haven't actually done it. Forget the planning. I need to get with the doing. It's time to walk the way I talk. It's go time.

Summer Ramble...blerg!

2010-05-23T22:48:00.000-07:00

Well, the summer heat is here. Let the sweating begin. Don't get me wrong, I kind of love summer...the laying out and tanning, the cook-outs, the s'mores. All good things for sure. This summer is just going to be a busy one in particular. I'm working a lot and I'm to have as much of a social life as humanly possible but it seems to be slowly slipping away from me. I'm definitely excited to see what's in store for summer though. I have lots to be accomplished and I definitely have a lot on my mind. It kind of sucks when you care for someone knowing there isn't going to be a future. You've got to let them live their own life though you know? He's got to do what he's got to do and all I can do is pray for him a LOT because he's definitely going to need God's protection. Sometimes I don't understand why people go looking for danger, but then I remember somebody's got to do that job. God's wired us all so different and while it doesn't appeal to me in the slightest bit, it's something that other people are so passionate about. Totally blows my mind.

If you can't tell, I'm kind of rambling. I'm blaming it on mt. dew, IHOP late night conversations with my co-workers and the fact that I'm really tired. so this is bed time.

Smell The Color 9

2010-05-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

This song sums up my mental state for today, and really the past couple days. Thank goodness for Chris Rice.

I would take 'no' for an answer
Just to know I heard You speak
And I’m wonderin’ why I’ve never
Seen the signs they claim they see
Are the special revelations
Meant for everybody but me?
Maybe I don’t truly know You
Or maybe I just simply believe

‘Cause I can sniff, I can see
And I can count up pretty high
But these faculties aren’t getting me
Any closer to the sky
But my heart of faith keeps poundin’
So I know I’m doin’ fine
But sometimes finding You
Is just like trying to
Smell the color nine

Now I’ve never ‘felt the presence’
But I know You’re always near
And I’ve never ‘heard the calling’
But somehow You’ve led me right here
So I’m not looking for burning bushes
Or some divine graffiti to appear
I’m just beggin’ You for some wisdom
And I believe You’re puttin’ some here

‘Cause I can sniff, I can seek,
I can count up pretty high
But these faculties aren’t getting me
Any closer to the sky
But my heart of faith keeps poundin’
So I know I’m doin’ fine
But sometimes finding You
Is just like trying to
Smell the color nine

Smell the color nine?
But nine’s not a color
And even if it were you can’t smell a color
That’s my point exactly...

All at Once, I get a little Clumsy.

2010-05-20T21:31:00.001-07:00

"And all at once the crowd begins to sing, sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. Maybe you want her, maybe you need her, maybe you've started to compare to someone not there..." -All At Once, The Fray

It happens, all at once. All these things and thoughts just start swirling. People, males in particular, just start crawling out of the woodwork. It's like they just know that I'm going through doubts and insecurities so they decide to like...feast on it. I've gotten the "please take me back, I miss you so much. I promise I've changed and I know I treated you horribly and was a total douche but I really miss you." I've also gotten the "you know I'm so awesome and you know you miss me. You know you want to hang out with me." Really dude. You think that's working? It's just irritating and frustrating. Stupid boys.

Sidenote. Well ok, I guess it's not really a sidenote because it's completely unrelated to the first thought. Kids seem to be a lot .... smarter when it comes to their faith now compared to when I was in high school. I'm truly impressed with these kids. They're debating theological things that I don't even debate. These kids are smarter than me, not that it's really that hard to do sometimes. I guess I'm just impressed.

I'm ending this with lyrics that basically describes my current state and the state I've been in the past few days....

Clumsy - Chris Rice

You think I’d have it down by now
Been practicin’ for thirty years
I should have walked a thousand miles
So what am I still doin’ here
Reaching out for that same old piece of forbidden fruit
I slip and fall and I knock my halo loose
Somebody tell me what’s a boy supposed to do?

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But You’re sayin’ You love me
And You’re still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me
‘Cause You’re makin’ me holy
You’re still makin’ me holy, yeah

I’m gonna get it right this time
I’ll be strong and I’ll make You proud
I’ve prayed that prayer a thousand times
But the rooster crows and my tears roll down again
Then You remind me You made me from the dust
And I can never, no never, be good enough
And that You’re not gonna let that come between us

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But You’re sayin’ You love me
And You’re still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me
‘Cause You’re makin’ me holy
You’re still makin’ me holy, yeah

From where I stand
Your holiness is up so high I can never reach it
My only hope is to fall on Jesus

Raindrops bring Reflection.

2010-05-17T23:24:00.000-07:00

It's 2:30 a.m. and I'm laying here in bed listening to the rain outside and my thoughts begin to drift. I start to think back to my jr. high years, my high school years, and the few years of college I have under my belt. What have I really accomplished? Yeah, I have my high school diploma. Super duper. It's a piece of paper...it hardly counts for anything. I spent most of my time for the past 6 years living for no one but myself. When did I become so selfish? So self-centered? Maybe I'm just being really hard on myself but it's been one of those days where I just examine and possibly over-analyze my life.

Jr. high was a mess. No good memories come from jr. high. I was a horrible little monster constantly getting in to trouble. I ran my mouth more than I should have and I had a tendency to tear people down just for kicks and giggles. I was 12. It's not exactly a good foundation for a promising high school career.

High school wasn't as much of a mess. It was actually pretty enjoyable. I still ran my mouth more than I should have. I still got in to some bits of trouble thanks to Miss Daniels and gym class but Mr. Flamm and I came to an understanding about the whole ordeal. She played favorites and I was NOT on that list due to stealing and hiding her stool everyday in freshman health class. I have to say I would still consider myself to be a "mean girl" in high school. People called us "The Plastics". We each had our own designated fictional character from the movie to go along with our real lives. We being my 3 best friends and me in case I didn't establish that earlier. Come to think of it, our friendship almost ended because someone didn't appreciate being called Karen because she wanted to be Regina. Apparently she felt she was the meanest of the group. Some how I don't see how that's something to be proud of or something to strive for but it was high school. Who can honestly say they didn't screw up in high school.

This brings us to college. I have 2 years under my belt. The first year I accomplished nothing. Absolutely nothing. My study habits were horrible, my grades were terrible and I barely went to class. I hated college. I hated the University of Toledo. I wasn't plugged in and I definitely did not want to join the Greek life like most of my friends did. I was looking for my way out of Toledo. Everyday praying for my escape then I found it. Indiana Wesleyan University was basically my salvation. So much went down while I was there. So many things changed for me. I was no longer the popular girl that everyone knew. No one knew me. I was a nameless face they passed in the hallway. A pair of eyes they'd see when they took my sandwich order at Wildcat. I was a nobody. A feeling I don't think I've ever felt...atleast not since kindergarten. That was the beautiful thing about private school. I was the new kid when I was 4 when I started kindergarten but when you're 4 everyone is new. Since that day I had never gone anywhere by myself without my friends. Being the odd man out was a strange feeling, one that I was not used to or ready for. Thankfully God did a lot in my life while I was at IWU. He showed me a lot of things about myself that needed to change and while I was there things did change but then I came home. By coming home I feel like I've fallen into the same pitfalls again. I'm becoming that mean, selfish, and proud girl from high school. That's not where I want to be. That's not who I want to be come. I am not who I was.

So why is it that despite being a different person now I'm falling backwards in to the same old crap? The constant need for attention. Only doing things to have someone tell me 'good job' as opposed to doing them because they needed to be done. Why do I need the validation from people that in the larger scale of things don't really matter? When did I get here and how do I get to where I need to be. These are my questions and I could really use some answers.

it's a teenie weenie itty bitty baby post.

2010-05-16T22:41:00.000-07:00

This is going to be an itty bitty post because 1.) it's almost 2 a.m. and 2.) I'm a wee bit tired from a long weekend.

I missed church today. I don't really like that especially since right now I'm really just searching to try and figure out what's really going on with my life. I find myself confused a lot of the time. I see myself becoming someone I don't want to be and I haven't really done much to stop it. I'm slowly watching myself fade into this new person. Still the nice girl but someone who seems to put God on the back burner. Someone who doesn't act any different from the rest of the world. That's not who I'm called to be. That's not what God wants me to be. I know that yet I have done nothing to stop it. Where did this apathy come from? Where is my passion for my faith? Where did it all go and how can I get it back because I don't want to drift further and further away.

I have a lot of work to do on myself. There are loads of things that need to be fixed. Oh issues, why must there be so many of you in my life and why must you be so hard to fix.

Sometimes, the answer is no.

2010-05-12T12:53:00.000-07:00

"Make no mistake every prayer you ever pray gets answered even though sometimes the answer is no....When I think of all the answers in my life I would have to say there's no doubt it was always for the best when I didn't get my way." - Brad Paisley

Well I got my answer. God said no. I'm not going to lie and pretend like I'm not a little disappointed. Sometime I get so lost and focused on what I want. I get a little wrapped up in my plans and possibilities and I completely forget about my purpose for being here. This is not my life. God has me here for His purpose and despite what I may think sometimes, my way is not His way. My way is rarely His way. Someday I'm sure I'll get the hang of this and finally realize that it's easier for me to just follow Him than run ahead to the fork in the road and choose the easiest or the less lonely path. I get so frustrated with myself sometimes. How many times will I make the same stupid choices? Without bragging about myself, I will say I've gotten a little bit better, and when I say little bit I'm talking minuscule. You can barely see a difference but there is a little part of me that was holding back until I knew it was right.

Here's another one of my issues. Patience has never been a strong suit of mine. I have a tendency to just go for the quick fix instead of waiting for something. One would think that being as apathetic as I am towards life I wouldn't mind waiting for something and to an extent this is true. I go through phases of being okay with my lot in life and where I am but then something happens or typically someone enters my life and everything gets turned upside down. I begin to actually care. I don't typically care about my life, but about the well-being of the other person, about their life. Then it all comes crashing down in a fiery downward spiral and I'm left mad at myself for letting this all happen again. One would think I would know better by now. So now I'm just trying to get back to that state of being okay with where I am. Not necessarily the apathy, but the contentment. I was there, then this all happened and even though I was unsure of what was going on and what God's plan was, it doesn't mean I wasn't excited about a potential future or the possibilities that would come with a new relationship. It's okay though. I'm just glad that God finally gave me my answer and that I can just let go and move on with my life.

Also, I don't want this to come across as I'm this bitter, angry chick because that isn't really the case. As you can see in previous posts I was having my own uncertainties about the whole thing and I completely understand his point of view of things. I get it...it's cool. Sometimes things just don't work out. I'm just hoping that the awkwardness that was encountered last night isn't how it's going to be because then Houston, we have a problem. Guess this is what I get for falling for someone at work huh. Shoulda, coulda, woulda....

It's a Two-fer.

2010-05-08T18:44:00.000-07:00

This comes in two parts and they might contradict themselves. My life is full of contradictions...please forgive me.

First thing on my mind is a dream. My "dream life" if you will. It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that I love country music. In loving country music I've also fallen in love with the small town, simple, country life. I would love to live down in a small town in Tennessee. Possibly someday buy a farm or have some land, back porch swing where the gentle breeze blows through my hair as I share the moment with my down home southern man. This is when I think that country music has kind of poisoned me. The southern man that I fantasize over is the one that's describe in any country song. Take Guys Like Me by Eric Church for example. He's a hardworking man, a little rough around the edges and would never take his woman for granted. Another good one that makes me swoon that's a little more recent. Easton Corbin's A Little More Country Than That is amazing. He describes that small town life I would love to have. The dirt road, the fishing, the old ratty hat that's always on my man's head, the honesty and the love. These are all things I dream of having someday. The man that would never take me for granted. The one that's thankful for all the things I do for him. The guy that will sit with me on the back porch someday and watch the sun set with the comfortable silence hanging in the air as the slightest breeze carries the summer smells of honeysuckle and jasmine in the night air. Yeah, this is my dream. Forget the big cities with their noise. Give me cornfields and Friday night football games. If only if only...

This brings me to my second thought. How many people actually end up with their "dream" person? I mean let's be realistic here...you kind of can't help who you fall for. What if I fall for someone who wants to move to New York City or LA? Am I just going to not even give them a chance because we don't share the same country living mentality? I mean it's not that I hate the city. I could live the city. I've lived in a city my entire life. I mean Toledo is no thriving metropolis but it's still a city none the less. It just makes me think. There are all those people that say when they met "THE ONE" they just knew. What the heck does that even mean? I truly don't think I'll be one of those people that "just knows". I don't trust my thoughts anymore. I thought I knew before...I was wrong. I thought I knew the time before that too...what do you know, I was wrong. I'm like the girl that cried husband. It's not like I'm in a huge rush or hurry to scoot down the aisle. Yeah I'd like to be married someday and spit out a few babies...maybe have a dog and a hamster. You know...the American dream. In order to get to that dream though I need to kind of pa ruse the pickings a little bit. I've found one I like but like I stated earlier. I have a really hard time trusting myself these days. Things haven't gone as smoothly as I would have liked. I find myself praying about it a lot and just asking God what's going on. Is he trying to get my attention by throwing up all these road blocks? Is he trying to tell me to run the other direction and not look back? Or is he trying to tell me to just mellow out, shift it in to neutral and just cruise? The more I ask the more silent He seems to be on the matter. It makes me question though if He's whispered his answer to me and I just haven't heard him. I have a tendency to talk too loud and shout while God's trying to tell me something. I'm not very good and just shutting up and listening. I'm a work in progress. Don't mind me...I'll hopefully get it eventually.

God, I want to be ready for your whisper. I pray that I'll hear you when you call and that either way I'll trust your good and perfect will for my life. At the end of the day, you'll never leave me and I don't need anything else but you. Everything else you give me is just a blessing and I appreciate everything and everyone you've blessed me with. I pray that I'll be receptive to what it is you have to say Lord. Open my eyes, my heart, and my ears to your voice.

The Prayer of an Uncertain Girl.

2010-05-07T22:06:00.000-07:00

God, in all things you are there. In every situation you know the outcome. I just pray that as I go through this time of worry and doubt that I'll remember no matter what the circumstance YOU are in control. You know exactly what tomorrow will bring. You know exactly what next year will bring. I pray that I'll seek your will and seek your face through it all. Show me the way Lord. Show me through this time of uncertainty.

Things shouldn't be this hard. There shouldn't be this many things that go wrong. Am I trying too hard to make the puzzle piece fit? Is this all me trying to do what I want? Is this really your will for my life right now? Why can't I seem to understand what's going on. Am I being too stubborn and too dense? Am I just over-analyzing every situation? OK, so I'm a spoonful of crazy at times. There are things that I just over-analyze and draw conclusions that aren't necessarily true. I don't gather all the facts and I just go off of what I think or feel. I just don't want to be lied to again. I don't want to fall into that trap, that never ending hole where I just sink deeper and deeper and deeper to the point I don't know which way is up. I don't want to keep falling and avoid all the warning signs if they indeed are warning signs. I get that we're two different people with two different sets of baggage. Going in to anything each person brings their baggage. I get that...it doesn't scare me. I don't want to change him. He's made it perfectly clear he won't change for anyone and I understand no one is perfect. There is no human on the face of the earth that is perfect. It's just I'm just unsure if the differences between the two of us are "deal breakers" or if they can we worked through. Is it all just communication error or is it something much deeper?

We agree on the same morals. We both love God. We both agree on where we draw the line. We both enjoy each others company...we're just two different people with two different ways of communicating. Failure to communicate can easily become bad news bears. I don't know if I would classify it as a "failure" though. That's such a harsh word...we're just different.

People always told me being different was a "good" thing. You're not like everyone else. Yeah. Cool. Everyone is different. Sometimes I wish that people were the same across the board. It would make things a little easier. I don't enjoy trying to figure people out, read their motives and intentions. I especially don't enjoy that nagging voice inside my head or the aching feeling in the pit of my stomach that something bad is going to happen. Why is it that words and actions don't always match up? Maybe if they did, I wouldn't be in this current situation.

God. Help me. I really need you now.

In the Stillness, In the Quiet.

2010-05-06T23:19:00.000-07:00

In the quiet, in the stillness, I know that you are God. In the secret of your presence, I know there I am restored. - None But Jesus, Hillsong

Sometimes I think I'm just afraid to be quiet. I'm a loud girl and when I say loud I mean like girl from Jersey, large Italian family loud except I'm from Ohio and I'm Korean. So basically I'm just really loud and have nothing to do with Jersey or Italians. Well now that we've established that we can move on. When I think about my life I'm just surrounded by noise and in being surrounded by noise I get so easily distracted. The ticking of the clock reminds me I'm running late for work. The honking of car horns reminds me that green means GO. The constant clanging, banging, and general loudness of working in a restaurant reminds me that CRAP! I have to run rice to 64, get refills for 63, greet 53 and run plates to the grill and refill their water bottles all in 5 minutes. Noise tends to mean stress for me yet I can't seem to just be quiet. What concerns me is if I'm not taking the time to actually be quiet, how am I going to hear God? I mean God has plenty of ways of getting my attention but He doesn't always speak with neon signs. Sometimes it's the faintest whisper but in my current state in a world full of noise that soft, sweet whisper of encouragement, hope or reassurance can quickly and effectively be drowned out. I need to hear His whispers. I need to shut my mouth, open my ears and just be quiet. In the stillness of God's presence I'm restored. When I'm running around like a crazy person I need that rest and restoration. I need the quiet. It's time for me to sit down, shut up, and listen up.

"In peace I will lie down and sleep, for YOU ALONE, O Lord, will keep me safe." - Psalm 4:8

It begins with indifference and trails from there

2010-04-27T17:39:00.000-07:00

"The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. And if you hate me that means you still care and we're still connected and I still have a chance to set you right." - Desperate Housewives

It's been a long day. A very very long day. And it's been the kind of day where I kind of can't do anything expect look to God and ask, what on earth did I do that brought a day like this upon me? I don't want to play the victim because honestly whining about it isn't going to solve anything. I need to find a solution, or atleast figure out how I feel about the situation.

I know that God has given me the family I have for a reason. They're nosy. They're opinionated. They're involved. I know all these things and I appreciate them for the most part. What I don't understand is why it is things never ever ever go the way I plan for them to. The "hazing" of sorts they use to initiate a new person in to our family is getting a little out of hand. I realize they want to weed out the ones that aren't "good" for me. They do it because they care, but there needs to be a line. Apparently we're still looking for that line.

God made me very different from my sister. I'm not better than she is, she's not better than I am. We're just very very different. I love her to death. I truly do, but I don't always agree with her. I will always listen to what she has to say but I'm a big girl now. I'm 20 years old and I'm not saying I have everything figured out because I don't. God has a totally different plan for me compared to the plan He has for her. That's just life. So what I don't understand is why she feels the need to tell me how she would do things. She was engaged at 19, married at 20, pregnant at 21. That was God's plan for her. I'm 20 years old. I'm not in school, I don't even know where I'm going to go in the fall. I've met someone but I'm not rushing in to marrying him anytime soon. We're still getting to know each other. This is just the beginning of what could be a great relationship. We've just seemed to hit a speed bump.

I keep thinking back to the Armor of God post I posted forever ago while I was still at IWU. Satan knows where to attack me. He knows where I begin to doubt myself and doubt the decisions I've made in the past. I know that I haven't always made the smartest choices or chosen the "right" person and he knows I know. I feel like it's easy for him to attack me there. It's easy for other people to say things that hit me in my tender spot. I'm not saying it isn't true. It's entirely true, but I'm in the healing process. There are still scars left by the jerks. There will always be scars. I'm insecure about them and I don't like talking about it. No one likes when their flaws are pointed out to them especially when they know they made a mistake and messed up. So my family doubts my ability in choosing men. I've chosen some real losers, I know. I don't always make good decisions. I'm not a perfect person. I'm a flawed human that makes stupid decisions, but that doesn't mean God can't work in those situations. If I'm always doubting my choices I'll never be able to decide anything for myself. I'll never be able to live the kind of life I want to live. I want God to use me in the ways he sees fit. Other people's opinions can't weigh me down. Jesus is my living hope and my eternal joy. At the end of the day, even if everyone in the world abandons me, God never will. He is full of grace and truth and no matter what stupid choice I make He will still love me. He never promises this life will be easy but He does promise He will never leave me alone to deal with it.

God I'm so thankful for your promises. I love that you love me enough to never leave me and be with me in every situation. I ask that you guide me in the direction YOU would have me go. This life you've blessed me with is YOURS. If that means I spend my life single, may your will be done. If that means you bring someone in my life Lord, may YOUR will be done.

The Thinking Tree

2010-04-22T17:01:00.000-07:00

Everyone has their happy place. This is the place where they can just go and catch their breath. A place where they can do whatever thinking that needs to be done without the distraction of everyday life. This beautiful little spot is my happy place. My "thinking tree".

Back in November I went through some things. The decisions I had made left me wondering why my life was such a mess? It had me questioning my ability to make smart choices and the power of forgiveness from a loving God. This is the place where I spend hours just sitting, writing, praying, and thinking about the messes I had made. It's such a small thing really, this little "thinking place". God really used it in my life though. This was where I realized the destructive behavior I had been involved in and the place where I made the decision to stop. The place where I realized that no matter what I do I will never be outside the grace of God. This is my beautiful little thinking place. My very own giving tree. It provided me shade, a place to sit, and a place to think and pray. The only things I needed at the time I needed them most. My very own giving tree.

yes. i am A.D.D.

2010-04-21T18:47:00.000-07:00

So I'm doing something I very rarely do. The smell of ground coffee beans are floating in the air and Mr. Michael Buble is serenading me in his rich and beautiful voice. I'm in the company of an entertaining gentleman. Life is good and I am blessed.

Today has just been an all around great day. The weather was great and my friends are awesome. It's days like today that truly remind me what a lucky girl I am. Despite all the horrible things I've been through. The pain and sorrow that have filled my life for months at a time. I am still so blessed.

Is it bad to love the way that God made me? Yes I am a little A.D.D. Yes I am Asian. Yes I have so many quirks and issues but I love the way that God made me. There is no one else in the world quite like me and I LOVE it :)

or never die...

2010-04-19T22:27:00.000-07:00

There's the old adage, old habits die hard. Well I think there needs to be an extended version of that. Old habits die hard...or they just plain NEVER DIE. Not exactly an optimistic though I know but it seems like every old habit I have just won't die. I've tried everything and for a while it works. For a while things are under control then something sneaks past my defenses and BAM! I'm a mess once again. I don't understand why things just need to be so difficult.

As a female is it okay to just write something off because you're a female and that's just what you're "supposed" to do? For example, someone just up and stops talking to you when they've talked to you for a regular basis everyday for a good portion of the day. It's completely normal for girls to over analyze the situation, freak out, and then become a crazy mess. I have to say I'm ashamed that this happened to me. I don't like that I freaked out. I don't like that I reacted the way that every other girl would. I'm not every other girl. I don't want to be every other girl.

God, you've been patient with me through all my screw ups. I ask that you'll be patient with me through this one too. You know what's going to happen in my life and I shouldn't worry about it. Ultimately, you are in control of every situation and you love me and will take care of me. I pray that I'll ALWAYS remember that!

2010-04-17T20:00:00.000-07:00

Don't you just love when you just feel yourself become whinier and whinier and you JUST CAN'T STOP. yeah. me too...

I don't want to whine. I want the word vomit to stop. This whole week I've done nothing but really whine about how tired and I am or how things aren't going the way I want them too. ME ME ME ME ME. That has been my entire week. I don't like when I start acting self-centered and selfish...that's not the person I should be. That's not the person I want to be. God, help me control the word vomit. I ask that you'll show me how blessed I am. Bring me peace and clarity to every situation Lord. In everything I say and do, please be with me every step of the way. Remind me that you are all I need in life Lord. You can give me the strength, the love, the friendship, and the company that I seek and need. You're all I need.

sticks and stones may break my bones...

2010-04-14T19:31:00.001-07:00

So this is something that's been on my mind and something I'm going to ramble about...don't expect it to be intelligent or thought provoking....

When it comes to language what is considered too far? Who says that the "bad words" are bad? This is something I just can't seem to understand. I've gone back and forth on the issues. When I was a little girl, when I said the word stupid or shut up or poopy head I got spanked and my mouth washed out with soap. Liquid soap. It was gross but that still wouldn't stop me from using those words. Now they're main staples in my vocabulary. Does that make me a horrible person?

As a Christian, where is the "appropriate" place to draw the line? I know that throughout the Bible we're warned of having an untamed tongue and the damages that they can cause. It also talks about how we're not to be like the world and how we are to be different from the world in what we do and say but if I'm joking around with one of my friends and I call her a dirty whore and someone over hears the conversation will they automatically think I'm a horrible Christian and write me off as a lost cause? These are the things I don't understand....

There's been a lot of things on my mind recently. With all the mistakes I've made in my past, all the horrible things I've done and knowing that I will stand accountable to God someday for that scares the crap out of me. It also makes me thankful for the grace that I've been given and that despite my transgressions, God still continues to bless me with things and people I do not deserve. I'm a blessed little lady.

100 posts....

2010-04-13T20:10:00.000-07:00

Well according to my little dashboard...this is lucky number 100 in my blog posts. I really wish I had something more composed and intelligent to say.

With Easter having passed recently I've been thinking a lot about grace. So many times I feel like God will love me if I just work my way into his favor....like I have the mentality that if I just led a sinless life I'd be worthy of his grace and in a sense trying to "earn" my salvation even though I've already accepted the gift. Let's think about the reality of this though. There is NO possible way I would ever in a million years even if I tried my absolute hardest that I would ever live a sinless life. That's the beauty of his grace. Even though I'm easily one of the worst and retched people on this planet, He still loves ME. He wants ME to be with him in heaven someday. I'm a lucky girl. Despite my flaws and many disappointing decisions I make He still loves me....Jesus loves EVEN ME.

my hiatus has ended...

2010-04-11T22:33:00.000-07:00

Guess who's back!

I realize it's been a while since I've blogged and there's a reason for that. The reason being someone broke in to my house and stole my laptop....it hasn't been a pleasant couple months because of that but I've managed to find other ways around things. I've been journaling a LOT. but I've always journaled a lot...I guess I just really enjoy writing event though I'm not neccesarily good at it.

I never grow old in the ways that God works. His timing is always perfect and so different from mine....but his is SO much better. I'll never get tired of seeing how he works.

These Days...

2009-12-16T22:50:00.001-08:00

My life these days has turned in to a dull and droll life, but don't get me wrong...I kind of love it that way. I've recently been catching up with old friends and they keep asking the same questions..."how have you been?!" "what have you been up to?!"...etc. Each time the only thing I can do is respond with the same, boring and pathetic answer of "nothing." Honestly, its true. I don't do much. I go to work. I come home. I read books. I watch my shows. Those four things sum up my life.

Now to some, my life sounds boring and horrible, but for me, I'm learning to enjoy it. I'm not really used to having all this down time. I'm used to running around, having chaotic weeks of homework, projects, deadlines...BLAH! This downtime thing is kind of nice. Actually, no...it's REALLY nice. Have I been bored? For sure...but I've enjoyed it. Sadly for me...my time of having nothing but work is slowly coming to an end. Next semester I'm to be in classes. Oh school...how I've missed thee.

Oh Nerdiness...

2009-11-23T17:33:00.000-08:00

Oh nerdiness...you've gotten the best of me once again.

For some reason I keep finding things that I think are cool that I want to learn to do. Video editing for example...I wish I knew how to do it. I've created a youtube channel for...various reasons. Basically it keeps me updated on my numerous video blogs that I watch and this way I can actually feel like I'm contributing through ratings and comments and such. I've also joined dailybooth. It's twitter with pictures....much more entertaining for me. I have a twitter...but I'm not as active as I should be I suppose. Call me crazy but I've apparently not been bitten by the twitter bug. I feel like I've just created two more accounts for me to neglect. I mean I haven't posted on here in...like two weeks? And even the last post wasn't exactly a happy one. Just the late night ramblings of a pissy girl. My apologies...I'd say it won't happen again, but I'm sure you all know me far too well. It will happen again because well, lets be realistic. Life isn't perfect. It'll get you down. When it gets you down...sometimes you just need to whine so that's what I do. It's a therapy of sorts...and its a crap ton cheaper than laying on some couch having some balding and middle-aged man asking me "how does that make you feel?" Just saying...

In recent news, in case you haven't check the date on the calendar, thanksgiving is this week. Time to chalk up one more holiday with my dysfunctional and lovable family. Dad's bringing his boyfriend...which means I'll have an array of gluten-free dishes to choose from. Looks like I'm not getting mashed potatoes this year. Call me selfish....but I enjoy my mashed potatoes. I'm not saying Jim has to eat them obviously because the last thing we need is to make a hospital trip again but I'm hoping the mashed taters make an appearance. Oh they sound delicious. Of course I have a ridiculous amount of baking to do as well. Having your brother getting assigned dessert duty is wonderful....especially when he can't bake to save his life. Here we go again for another lovely holiday season.

Liar Liar, I hope your pants are on fire....

2009-11-13T20:49:00.000-08:00

I've made another trip down to Cincinnati and my thoughts can't help but wander. This was supposed to be a pretty big weekend for me. Good things were supposed to happen...but it was all according to MY plan which as we've already established isn't what I should be concerned about....

I'm kind of just apathetic towards life right now. One moment I'm up, the next moment I'm down. I'm entirely too trusting and I'm extremely gullible. I pretty much believe everything people say without thinking twice about it. In doing that I get screwed....a lot. I believe all the excuses..."oh my phones broken" "oh well I already have a lot going on..." etc. Here's a clue dipstick. If you want me to believe your phone is broken you might want to try not updating your facebook status from your PHONE. It'll make your lie a little more believable.

If you can't tell I'm in a bit of a grumpy mood. You'll have that when you're lied to....

What a Beautiful Mess...

2009-11-03T21:43:00.001-08:00

So I'm really good at making messes. Whether its a good baking mess in the kitchen or just a mess of my life, whatever way you want to spin it I do a good job of messing things up. When it comes to cleaning things up, I'm much better at cleaning a kitchen than cleaning up my life. Now don't think I'm in complete shambles because I'm not....but I tend to get into sticky situations with hard decisions to make. Ultimately...I know it's really not in my control anymore. It's too late for me to try and fix everything. I just need to hand my mess over to the capable and mighty hands of an all-powerful God.

If you're a parent think about your kids....if you're not use your imagination. Imagine your precious little child decides to go on an independent streak. Pretend your child thinks they can do everything on their own. This involves everything from going potty to cutting with a sharp knife. Lets say in their independent streak they decide to make lunch for themselves and of course...they want a peanut butter and jelly with macaroni and cheese and a tall glass of milk. You agree with the stimulation that whatever they make they clean up so they don't leave a mess in the kitchen and they agree. They set to making their pb and j and surprisingly don't make too much of a mess. Maybe just a little jelly on the counter but nothing they can't clean up themselves. So they set to making their mac and cheese. (sidenote...why anyone would want a pb and j and mac and cheese at the same time...I don't know)...They boil their water, add the noodles and leave it unattended. The boiling water overflows and you've got noodle water all over the stovetop. You try and step in to help but they insist they can do it on their own and don't need your help and tell you to go sit down, so you do. Once the noodles are done they add the powdered cheese (blehh, gross), the butter, and the milk of course spilling things all over the place. Then while they still have the milk out they climb on the counter to get a tall glass so they can have some milk with their oddly chosen meal. In the process of getting the glass they break a shelf and down comes all the plates...BUT they got the treasured glass. They pour the milk and knock the glass over a few dozen times but successfully get one glass of milk....and then its time for lunch. But then the child remembers the agreement. They have to clean up. They turn to see the mess they've created in the kitchen and then comes the overwhelming feeling that the mess they've created is too much for them to clean up on their own. And that's when that sweet stubborn little child comes running to you for help to clean up the kitchen.

Ok that was a very lengthy analogy but bear with me. Can you see the disaster of the kitchen right now? All because they wanted to do it by themselves. My life is the kitchen and I am that stubborn child on an independent streak and of course God was there waiting to help me, tried to help me but in the stubborness and stupidity I thought I could do it on my own. Now I have a mess to clean up and it's just too much for me to do on my own. I can't do it on my own. I'll just make a bigger mess and I feel like a fool. God, I'm wrong. I've been wrong. I can't do it on my own. Will you help me clean up my mess one more time? I'm sorry I didn't listen. I'm stupid and stubborn and I pray that you'll help me clean up my mess one more time.

stop and smell the roses...

2009-10-22T21:17:00.000-07:00

Every wish you took the time to stop and smell the roses? If you're anything like me, I'm going to go ahead and say...yeah you probably do; and once again if you're anything like me you find yourself so busy that in order to stop and smell the roses you have to actually schedule time to do it....

Maybe I just have my priorities mixed up. I'm not even in school right now and I'm barely getting time at work so where does my time go? I mean honestly...how am I so busy with absolutely nothing? I feel like I've wasted many days away, but I have to say (and quote a Brad Paisley song...) when I say that it was time well wasted. So maybe I didn't get the job applications I need or maybe I didn't clean the house. I did manage to spend time with my sister in Cincinnati, go over to my Nana's and just shoot the breeze for a while, bake cupcakes for some friends, and make two trips down to Kentucky to see one of my best friends and an amazing guy. So maybe the choices I made weren't the most responsible decisions but who cares. It was time well wasted for me....

Fall is a season of change (yes...once again I'm talking about change. shocker). The leaves turn beautiful shades of golden yellows, fiery oranges, and brilliant reds. The weather shifts from the warm summer breezes to the crisp and nippy autumn winds. Fall is also the time when mothers are sending their babies off to their first days of kindergarten or watching their sons or daughters drive off to their freshman year of college. Fall brings lots of firsts and lots of changes. It's a beautiful season and an enjoyable time for me. It begs the question though...what is changing for me? What is that God wants to change in me? Now don't misconstrue what I'm saying into something like God can only work to change me in the fall. You'd be stupid to think that's what I'm saying. All I'm asking is what is it that God wants to change? I'm a flawed and fallen human being....God really has the pick of the litter in decided what I need to work on. What is it that you want me to work on now God? Show me my inevitable flaws.

2009-10-17T22:51:00.000-07:00

God, I don't deserve any of this. I am so thankful for the blessings you've placed in my life. For the people you've taken away and for the people you've dropped in. God you are so amazing and I am so thankful to call you my Father. Thank you for all you've done and all you'll continue to do in my life. You continue to surprise me day after day and I don't deserve the blessings you've given me Lord. I'm so thankful.

Wait and See...

2009-10-14T20:54:00.000-07:00

I've never been a huge fan of Christian music. Call me what you will...but I just don't like it. Too many bands try and give the "secular" sound and they just try far too hard and it annoys me....needless to say it's rare if there is Christian music play in my car. The only exceptions to that rule would be Brandon Heath, Francesca Battistelli, and Hillsong ....

Brandon Heath...his music is has that chill feel and his lyrics are so easily related to my life. He has a way of speaking straight into my heart and reminding me that God knows and God cares. Every aspect of my life, MY God is there and MY God has a plan. I just have to remember to let go and let God take the reigns.

Francesca Battistelli...her music is very similar to Brandon Heath's and does the same thing for me. It's just different seeing as it's from a female perspective. Her songs have reminded me so many times to just let go. Let go of my fears. Let go of my past. Let go and Let God. In God's love, despite my screw ups and failures...I'm free to be me.

Hillsong...by far the best praise and worship on the planet. I love singing along to their CD and just praising God. I've been told that going to one of their concerts is one of the best worship experiences of one's life. Just imagine it....a sold out arena, hundreds of thousands of people all singing together praises to an almighty God. That's just enough to put a chill down your spine...

Now I didn't mean for this to read like a music review because if you know anything about my music taste you'll know its pretty well...lame. I was just saying if you're anything like me and really don't dig on the Christian music scene, these are 3 phenomenal artists you should check out....

God is good. Sometimes I forget just how great. I get so caught up in the happenings of life and everything just comes at me all at once and I just need to stop...reflect...listen. Life is full of distractions and full of noise. Sometimes its good to just get away. I'm going to make it my goal to just sit in the quiet and pray, praise, and listen to what the Almighty Creator has for me. My life is yours God. Show me where to go.

Toledo to Tokoyo...

2009-09-29T11:26:00.000-07:00

Fall is back in full swing. The air is crisp. The leaves are crunchy and the apple festival is just in a few days. I love fall. I always have. Wait...scratch that. I feel like the love of fall is something that comes with age. Think back to when you were younger. All that mattered was NO SCHOOL. Fall automatically means school has started and even though the colors were beautiful, it meant that I would spend most of those beautiful fall days in Mrs. Cousin's classroom writing in cursive and doing my math problems. As I got older though, my love for fall blossomed. Now there's nothing better than being wrapped up in jackets and scarves taking a walk through wildwood while the leaves crunch underneath your sneakers. Its just a good feeling.

I'm wondering what God has in store for me these next couple weeks...months....years. I guess my life is just a blank canvas once again. I have all these ideas and plans being thrown about inside my head but at this point thats all they are....ideas. I would LOVE to study in England or Australia for a year but I'm still praying about it. It's like I have to make wise decisions now...I can't just make these decisions on a whim. It's already taking me a while to finish school. I don't want to be there forever. God is good though. I'm sure he'll show me where to go....

Sidenote : I bought Brandon Heath's newest album....phenomenal. I'm sure I'll post about one of his songs eventually....

Unpredictable...

2009-09-12T21:05:00.000-07:00

College football season has started. Here come the millions of facebook statuses referencing the "big" game....the winning team, the losing team...the emotions depending on if their team won. This would probably be more exciting if I followed football as much as I follow basketball....I root for OSU. It's a family thing (with the exception of my mom) but don't expect to see me screaming at the television anytime soon. I'll leave that to my mother, sister, and brother-in-law...

On a slightly different and definitely a more important note...I'm still trying to figure out why God still has me here and where I'm to go next. God, what's the next move? I'm not stressing over it or anything like that...I'm just merely curious. Where do you want me to go? What do you want me to do? Help me to remember that YOU are what makes my life worthwhile and YOU are the one that makes my way perfect.

Psalms 18: 30-32

(30) God’s way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.
(31) For who is God except the Lord? Who but our God is a solid rock?
(32) God arms me with strength, and he makes my way perfect.

Francesca Battistelli - Unpredictable
Got my thoughts
I got my words
Got this head full of answers
Got You wrapped up
Got You under control
See my future like the past behind me
I think I know where You’re leading
Don’t need no questions
Don’t need no rocking the boat
But I just forget all the mystery
I just forget who You are

(Chorus)
When I know that I know
What You have down the road
When I’m sure that I’ve figured You out
Help me see that I’m small
That I can’t know it all
‘Cause You’re so unpredictable
‘Cause You’re so unpredictable

..... there are more lyrics but she couldn't have seen it any better. God continue to remind me that I'm insignificant. I don't know it all and MY way is not YOUR way and your way is what I need. You are what makes my life worthwhile.

a thankful prayer...

2009-09-10T21:49:00.000-07:00

I'm a depraved and foolish human. I deserve nothing but pain and suffering...Jesus thank you for dying for me and for covering my sins. You have saved me from endless suffering and torture and I am forever indebted to you. Thank you for the things you have provided me with...for my salvation, my health. For the promise that you will never leave me or forsake me and for the endless love you have for me. I am not worthy Lord. Inspite of all my failures, you still love me. In my worries, you're there listening to me and giving me the peace I need. In my fears, you're there comforting me and reminding me to trust in you. You are my strength and portion forever God. I pray that you will continue to work in my life. I want your will for me Lord. Show me the path you want me to follow....

WHY WHY WHY?!

2009-09-09T00:13:00.000-07:00

I'm trying really hard to keep up on my blogging and unfortunately its all just swirling down the crapper right now...so here's a snippet that's going on in my life....

God is good ALL the time. This is something that I'm struggling to remember...Everything that happens is in his perfect will for my life. HIS plan is much better than mine. These are all things I "know" but struggle to believe when things don't go my way. Let me fill you in. I am no longer going back to Indiana Wesleyan this semester...my loans didn't go through for some reason that is still unknown to me. In the days leading up to this I felt like something was going to happen....I was just very unsure as to why. WHY. This is the question I've been asking a lot lately. WHY am I still in Toledo? WHY didn't my loans go through? I just don't understand and I realize that God is God...I don't have to understand what's going on. I am in loving and completely capable hands. God knows what was going to happen today...last week...next week...and 30 years from now. WHY should I worry? WHY should I act like a petulant child? Right now I'm still in the confused questioning stage...obviously. All I can see right now is all the plans I made disintegrating before my very eyes and there is nothing I can do to stop it....and you know what? that's ok. I'm not going to go back to pushing for my way. My way rarely works out well for me in the end. I'm just in a perpetual state of confusion these days...but I'm sure I'll come out on the other end grateful and happy for these moments.

Today I went to IWU to cancel all my classes, shut down my housing, and talk with financial aid. Needless to say it was a VERY long day. I miss my friends but for some reason I was just in a horrible mood while I was there. Just being there didn't really feel right...it was very confusing. Moment after moment I felt myself getting more and more irritated and aggrivated over the slightest things. Keep in mind that it is the first week of school so the freshman are EVERYWHERE. The student center was bustling with pretty much the entire campus. The offices were packed to the max with worried students (like myself) trying to get everything settled in to place for their semester. With every passing student and every long line I had to wait in, the little bits of patience I had disappeared quicker and quicker. It was like everything was just off...not just the timing, but my friendships, school work, loans...all these things combined just created this scenario that had me wondering what on earth God was doing. I'm still at that place. WHAT IS GOING ON?

[Isaiah 55:8-9]

Epic? Monumental? ehh...

2009-08-30T20:37:00.000-07:00

Today was an epic day for the Lasater family. Ok maybe epic is too exciting of a word...today was a monumental day for the Lasater's. Dang...still sounds SUPER exciting.

Today my brother graduated from The Ohio State University. He's the first of the family to do so and it's just pretty thrilling I suppose. This morning I woke up bright and early to get ready and I'm not sure if I mentioned the fiasco with my bangs but needless to say..BANGS ARE NOT FOR EVERYONE....especially for people with oily skin and oily foreheads. Now that you have that visual and understand how fun it is for me to get ready in the mornings...my mom and I headed to my Nana's house to caravan down to Columbus. The car ride went by in a peaceful sleep for me...the moments I was awake held some wonderful thoughts from Mark Driscoll. Fast forward to the actual ceremony. OH MY GOODNESS. While it's wonderful that my brother was graduating...I don't want to sit through a graduation ceremony again. Even my brother was listening to his ipod....its a good thing I have New Moon in my purse....

After the ceremony we took the traditional pictures with my 'non-traditional' family and jetted off to Easton for some delicious Mongolian BBQ. Then the entire dinner was spent convincing my family that 1. I don't need a boyfriend and 2. the waiter is probably not a Christian, not attractive, and had a tongue ring. Needless to say I'm not interested and my interests are elsewhere. Alas I have to say I love my great big disfunctional family :)

On another note...I had this epiphany of sorts today. I love music...thats kind of a no duh thing. I'm also a person that finds herself relating to songs. So I wondered if I could describe myself to someone through music...what songs would they be? Like what songs would be on the soundtrack of my life? I have a pretty hefty list going but if I'm actually going to make the cd I need to narrow it down quite a bit....I'll leave you with one song though.

Unusually Unusual - Lonestar....it seems to be a pretty fitting song for me. If you know me I'm sure you'll agree....lol

Sunday Sunday SUNDAY!

2009-08-23T20:09:00.001-07:00

Oh what a beautiful Sunday! Today was a pretty awesome day...not gonna lie.

The sermon this morning was so great and it was definitely something I needed to hear. By female and sinful nature, I am a worrier. I worry all the time. Most of the time its over completely frivolous things...it's pretty much pointless. The sermon was called Why Pray When You Can Worry and it was taken out of Philippians 4:4-9.

(4) Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.
(5)Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand;
(6) do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
(7)And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
(8)Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
(9)What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Pastor Duke then went on to talk about what worry actually was...SIN. By worrying, we as humans are not making much of God. Throughout the Bible, God is constantly telling us to not worry for he is near. Just take a look at verse 5. I have to agree with Pastor Duke when he states that it is one of the worst divisions in the Bible. "Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is near;" NOTICE the semi-colon...its important. In the NIV, theres a period trying to make it its own sentence and starting off verse 6 as a command. In reality, the Lord is near is the REASON we should not be anxious about anything. It's very simple, the Lord is near; THEREFORE do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. So we've established that worry/anxiety/fear..etc. are sins lets move on...

He goes on to say that in order to overcome worry, we need to replace it with thankful prayer. This is where looking on the bright side and optimism comes in. Instead of focusing on the fact that you've recently lost your job or some other form of unfortunate circumstance, praise God for the things you do have. We are debtors to God. We deserve nothing and everything that we do have is a blessing from him whether that be our health, family, homes...etc. We are blessed beyond what we deserve. Ladies and gentlemen, we deserve death and eternity in hell. Lets just think about this. Think about the most painful thing you have ever encountered whether that is a serious injury, a serious illness, or even a paper cut soaked in lemon juice....then times that by like a million zillion. THAT is what we deserve. God did us a HUGE favor by sending his son to die for us and we are forever indebted to Him. When you feel yourself start to worry, stop and turn it around. Praise him for what he has done and trust him to help you through. Use the same devotion that you use worrying to praising God and praying to him. There is a fine line between a healthy concern and worrying. A healthy concern is something that moves us to take action but ultimately trusts God for the outcome. Worrying is taking the burden upon yourself to carry around and thinking that God can't handle it....not a good place to be I assure you.

Pastor Duke also went on to talk about resting in God's promise and using our minds for God's purpose. In verse 7, God promises us that the peace of God, something our puny little human minds can't understand, will guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus. God promises us that he'll take care of us. For example, in Matthew 6:25-34, a passage I've come to know well, we're reminded that God takes care of the birds of the air and he clothes the lilies in beauty and splendor. How much more does God care about us? He made us in HIS image...He's going to take care of us. He has a plan for each of our lives and we just need to trust him to guide us along the way. We're also told in verse 8 to think about GOOD things. Things that are pure, true, honorable...etc. These are the things we are to focus on. Thinking produces behavior and behavior reinforces thinking. Don't just sit back and passively listen to your sinful thoughts...and there is a way to overcome this...

the 3 R's
1. REBUKE : rebuke yourself and your sinful thinking.
2. RENEW : renew your mind with scripture. According to Ephesians 6, the only defense we have against sin and Satan is our sword of Truth, the scriptures.
3. REPLACE : replace worry with the opposite good. Instead of worrying, praise and thank God for what you do have and present your requests to Him ultimately trusting him for the outcome.

Like I said....this was a very good and much needed message for me to hear. I've been going through highs and lows lately, today especially when it comes to my future and all that entails. I've found myself fretting and worrying even today after the message about things that don't really matter. I'm just so thankful that I not only serve an almighty God that knows every detail of my life, but also that he loves me enough to forgive me when I stumble and fall day after day. Can I get an amen?!

Blessed be YOUR name...

2009-08-20T22:57:00.001-07:00

So here I was about to launch into this long whiny blog post and I decided to journal first (yes I keep a journal AND a blog...I blog more than I journal lol). I started out and then kind of just stopped and smiled. I was about to write this whole entry about how my life is so confusing and so horrible and I felt myself falling back into the person that I was. That's not who I want to be anymore and when I really looked at what I was whining about I just laughed. In the end it doesn't matter. God knows every intricate detail of my life...why should I sweat if so and so likes me or not? I mean really...lets think about this. Why should I waste my time worrying about things God already knows? I want to do what HE wants for my life anyway. He'll bring the right person along at the right time at the right place. I don't want to screw that up so why even try and mess with it?

I find myself coming back to moments like this every week. I keep catching myself falling backwards into old habits and old routines. This is not good my friends but I'm thankful that God has been changing my heart so I can recognize when I'm starting to fall backwards and I can stop and pray for peace, encouragement, or strength to make it through. God is so good. I can't help but be thankful for all he's done in my life this summer.

My thoughts are so scattered right now and its hard to hold a thought but I'll leave you with this. The attitude I want to have in my life is best said in a very popular praise and worship song...Blessed Be YOUR Name. No matter what happens in my life blessed be your name.

blessings and love

2009-08-19T20:59:00.001-07:00

Can I just state one more time how much I truly love the rain? I was driving home tonight from a friends house watching it hit my windshield and sang to my hearts content my praises to God. It was wonderful and I just can't explain how much I loved it.

When I think of my life a few words come to mind. Blessed and loved are the big ones. I am so blessed beyond what I deserve. God has provided so much for me and I can't believe how wonderful it is that I serve the Almighty Creator. I am also loved so much by not only God but my family, my mother in particular. My family's been through a lot. Those of you that know me personally and know my story can attest to that. I can't complain though, God had his hand in every situation and has made us each stronger because of what we've gone through. Maybe I'll dedicate a post sometime to my testimony. Praise be to God though, seriously. I am nothing without Him and I'm so thankful for the changes that have happened this summer. God you are so good to me.

money money money....

2009-08-18T15:26:00.001-07:00

This will just be a short post really...

I love how frustrating money can be. Sometimes I wish it just didn't exist and that everything was free. Now I realize that's completely illogical but I'm just saying...it would be nice. I wouldn't have to sit at my computer and finagle numbers and fill out applications with a MILLION questions about what I'm doing to e-mail my financial aid counselor (who according to my "entrance counseling" is supposed to be super helpful) doesn't seem to exist at Indiana Wesleyan. Funny how that goes right? I'm not going to stress it or fret it. I'll just spend a great deal of time on the phone with them tomorrow in order to get it all filled out. I'm trying to look at it like this....atleast its better than being on the phone with Falush in India trying to fix your HP laptop. They're from Indiana...how hard can they be to understand?

It's nice when you have your friends check in on you. Especially when you've asked them to and they remember. Friends are great....I'm pretty much blessed beyond what I deserve!

Oh lovely, I get to work until 3 am today...Praise the Lord I have a job.

rain rain...you can stay!

2009-08-17T21:15:00.000-07:00

There is something so beautiful about the rain. I love the idea of running through the rain with your friends, spinning around in circles or sitting next to a window at a coffee shop sipping on your favorite mocha or latte. Then of course there is that uber romantic moment of that spectacular kiss in the rain with the one you love. There is also something so relaxing and soothing about it. The sound of it hitting the window is enough to make me drift off into a peaceful night of rest. I don't know what it is...I just really like the rain. Now weeks and weeks of rain would not be good for me....I find my mood is highly affected by the weather by an occasional rainy day is definitely something I look forward to.

I'm begining to grow impatient and anxious for school. I know it'll be here before I know it, but I'm growing tired of the "you're still here?!" and the occasional "when do you leave again?" Trust me guys, I want to leave just as much as you apparently want me to. I know they probably don't really mean it the way they make it sound but I'm ready to get back out of Toledo. I miss my friends from school. I miss my country boys, my 2 West West girls...not to mention my friends with amazing music taste, my melon smashing buddies, and my big goofy Travis. I want to have a set routine for each day and while I love sleeping in, I miss my mornings. I'm also looking forward to Summit. The worship is always so wonderful during Summit week and I haven't heard a speaker I didn't like. Moral of the story is...September 8 can you please hurry up?

rants rambles and updates...

2009-08-15T20:53:00.001-07:00

So much for an alliteration...It's been a while since my last post...many things have happened...

I'm very blessed for a number of reasons...

Sadie Lynn Kollar
-I have a beautiful new niece. She is going to be my little princess until I Lord willing have one of my own. She is just so precious. I'm so excited to see her grow up and even though she lives kind of far away, I'm hoping to see her as much as possible. God blessed my sister with a healthy little girl and a fairly easy labor. I'm praying that the transition to 2 children is as easy as possible for her but only time will tell I suppose...
Friendships old AND new
-I've had the privilege of meeting some new friends in the past few weeks and they're a riot let me tell you. It's funny how people can surprise you...I've known some of these people or known of them for 5+ years and I had no desire to get to know them. I don't know if it was because I was just to proud to meet them or what my deal was, but like I said...people can surprise you. I'm forming the type of friendships with some of them where I can talk to them about anything and while I have a few of them already it doesn't hurt to have more. To quote the Babysitters Club (yes...I like that movie...don't judge me) "My mom says if I can count the number of true friends I have on one hand I'm insanely blessed. Well I have 5 fingers and more than 5 friends. I'm lucky..." Well that may not be an exact quote but I think you get the gist. This year has been very...interesting for me. I have formed what I think to be really strong friendships with some people that I've known for years and rarely talked to and at the same time I've seen some of my best friendships fizzle down to awkward glances, forced smiles, and uncomfortable conversation. People change...I get that...but its just sad to see.
Jesus
-He has been doing such a work in my life this summer. He's placed people in my life that won't let me BS my way through a conversation and will flat out tell me that I'm wrong. While it all started back in March...old habits die hard. The first couple months of summer were full of stupid mistakes and stupid choices. Enter the people that will tell me when I'm wrong and stupid....Everything is all so recent with me and it's hard to fully describe what it is that's been happening. Conviction is a big part of it and so is repentance. Those are two things that have been happening a lot. Things that I used to have no problem doing or saying I'm now convicted about because they're well...WRONG. It's amazing how messed up our thinking can get at times. The way we justify doing something based on the standards non-Christians hold. It's so easy to play the "well I'm not as bad as HE is" game. Newsflash...we are not the judge of right and wrong...God is and He has high standards. It's been a big summer in my life and with school just around the corner I'm eager to see what God has in store...

LOVE letters...

2009-08-04T20:20:00.000-07:00

I'm not artistic...in any sense of the word. I've been told I'm creative though. I think that's a load too, but I guess I'll take the compliment. The past couple weeks I've been thinking a lot about the decorations I want to have in my room at school and in my "creative genius" I came up with the idea of letters. Well my first set of letters, or my DFTBA letters as I refer to them, turned into a bit of a disaster...my hand isn't as steady as it used to be and my paisley stenciling looks...well pitiful. I still haven't decided if I'm going to re-do them yet. My second set of letters though hold a bit more of importance. They are my LOVE letters. While they're still in the process of being done, they're turning into basically what I was hoping for. On each letter, I have different verses about the concept of 'love'. The verses range from Romans 8:38-39, where it talks about how nothing can seperate us from the love of God, to 2 John 1:6 "And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love." I'm hoping that every time I look at these letters I remember to love the people around me. When I say love, I mean like LOVE...not just tolerate. I feel like I don't love as much as I should. According to Jesus, that's the second greatest commandment, to love your neighbor as yourself. That's a concept I'm still working on...keep in mind I'm under construction...so pardon my dust.

On a side note, I love hymns. Chris Rice has a CD of hymns that he added his own personal touch to and in Chris Rice fashion, they're wonderful. One that I seem to listen to a lot is the Old Rugged Cross. Each verse brings its own sense of hope for me. Without that cross I have no hope. I deserve death and complete separation from God. Its reasons like this that I am so thankful for the cross. Jesus Christ died my death so my sins could be pardoned. Knowing the horrible things that I've done and knowing the inevitable sins of my future....I've never been more thankful for that cross where he bled and died to take away my sins....

I'm Not Who I Was...

2009-08-02T19:28:00.000-07:00

So there is a song out on K-Love and other Christian radio stations called I'm not who I was. I am obsessed with this song....you should definitely listen to it. I ended up buying one of his cds and found myself really relating to his lyrics...not to mention I really like his style...

School is just around the corner and I have to ask myself....are these changes I've fought so hard for going to stick? What happens when I'm not around the people that have been so influential in helping me change? Today at church, my friend Adam asked me a really important question and told me to let it "marinate" (his words not mine...) He asked me about all the changes in my life have been for a boy, or for God. I kind of just looked at him thinking to myself...wow I really can't believe he just asked me that question...what kind of a person does he think I am? Then I thought back to just the things I shared with him from my past...and saw what he meant. Adam is probably one of the few people that I am 100% honest with. He has this beautiful way of telling you straight up what he's thinking. When you've done something stupid...he lets you know and he and I have shared a lot of those moments. When he puts on that certain face with the furrowed eyebrows and points that finger at you....you know you're in for a little bit of a lecture, but you know sometimes I need that. So when he asked me that question I was caught off guard and even though I gave him my answer without letting it marinate, I stand by my answer. These changes weren't for a boy. Don't get me wrong...this boy is pretty great but all in all I've finally realized that before I get into a relationship with someone else, I need to have a solid relationship with the only person that really matters and that would God. I can't really explain what he's been doing in my life, other than slowly changing me. I realize how undeserving I really am and wonderful the gift of grace is. I can't believe how much time I've wasted trying to make myself happy and living for myself. That's not the person I want to be and I realize thats the person that I was. I'm not who I was. I don't ever want to be that person again and I'm excited about the new things that God is doing in my life now...

Isaiah 43:18-19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See! I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

...I'm aware of the person that I used to be and I realize change doesn't happen overnight, but I'm heading that direction and even though I don't have to answer to you, I'm determined to show you that its a genuine change. Just give me time...

The Daughter Project...

2009-07-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

I find myself with a mist in my eye once again. Diary of a Mad Black Woman does it to me every time. It's always at the end, with that beautiful, soulful, and powerful song when everything is right again. Goosebumps and eye-watering every time. Then when it gets to the very end (SPOILER ALERT) and Helen and Orlando are back together and they walk of in a very Officer and a Gentleman moment out of the steel factory. It just makes me eager to get to the day when I have my own man. The kind of man that loves me with the kind of love that only God can create in a man. I'm just waiting for my one good love.

I am lucky enough to have been taught by an amazing man named Jeff Wilbarger. He was my high school math teacher as well as a class advisor and let me tell you, that man has such a love for the Lord and such a passion for serving him in whatever capacity that he can. He recently just began a non-profit organization called the Daughter Project for victims of human trafficing. Someone that was my teacher is giving his time and effort for the bettering of someone else. He did this every day in his classroom with his students, he did it at home with his family. This man just has so much to give. I would encourage everyone that thinks about it to pray for him and just pray for the people that are going to be involved in this new ministry. I know I will be....

http://www.toledoblade.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090725/NEWS10/907250348/-1/NEWS29

click click PANCAKES.

2009-07-22T23:08:00.000-07:00

I would be the one that wakes up at 2 am wanting pancakes. I also would be the one that goes downstairs to the freezer to get some (Ego does pancakes now...it makes my life easier). Now that I've satisfied another ridiculous early morning craving I find the sugar from the syrup keeping me a little buzzed. Here I sit...well ok lay...on my bed thinking about life and all the crazy things that happen.

I'm so thankful that I serve a God that really cares about me, even about the little things...things like letting my birthday flowers last this long (maybe I know nothing about flowers...but a week is a pretty long time when they're in a vase right?) or things like having a glue gun to finish up my DFTBA letters so I don't have to buy another one. Its the little things in life really.

I've been listening to the Redeeming Ruth series lately by Mark Driscoll (I mentioned him earlier...REALLY good) and it has me thinking about love and God's hand in the love lives of his children. I'll admit it....there is a boy that I like...a lot. In case you don't understand what I mean when I say that, I'll revert to being in second grade again... I like him-like him. There are so many things that have happened that I don't want to over-analyze and read into...but it just seems like its God's way to doing things? Yet again, I wonder...maybe I'm really just over-analyzing things. I mean, let's get real here. I'm a female...generally speaking, females tend to over-analyze things. I am one of those females. I can over-analyze and this is one of those delicate situations where I really don't want to. The way I see it is this...it's already mid-July (its my mommy's birthday today btw...happy birthday mommy :) in a few short weeks he'll be packing up and leaving for school...a few weeks after that I'm packing up and leaving for school. I've already prayed a lot about it and I've basically just handed the situation over to God. He knows what the best scenario is for both of us and if that involves us being together great. If he calls for me to remain just friends with him that's great too. I've learned to just not push the envelope when it comes to trying to get my way. I did that once with a relationship and I'll never consciously do it again. I'm no longer in control of my life. God is at the wheel and he knows the best way to steer. He knows the path I need to travel and He knows what's best for me. Once again I ask...who am I? Who am I to question the almighty creator? Me. a small speck compared to him. If you want to think of it in terms of Dr. Seuss....I'm a Who in Whoville...that's how small I am in the scheme of things. God is my Horton. My hero. He can see things in the big perspective. All I can see is what's around me. I can't see the bigger picture, so I'd rather let God take care of it.

who am i?

2009-07-20T19:48:00.000-07:00

Honestly...who am I?

I am a dreadful, evil, and prideful sinner...yet God still loves me. I serve an amazing God. I have been learning so much in such a short time...I can't really explain how I'm feeling right now. I guess I'm just so thankful and so shocked that despite my many many pitfalls God still wants me. ME. It blows my mind.

I've been doing a lot of two things.

1) Reading Lies Young Women Believe (yes..I'm still reading the book)
2) Listening to Mark Driscoll sermons.(http://www.marshillchurch.org/)

I wish I would have read the book earlier. So many things would have been different in my high school and early college years. Something I've been convicted about it friendship. It's not about who I like or who likes me...it's about who needs a friend. I feel like sometimes I think about myself too often. I have the "well what would people think of me if I talked to them..." thoughts and thats just ridiculous. Think about it...Jesus was friends with the lepers...the prostitutes...the tax collectors. These were all people that were socially unacceptable to be seen with let alone extend friendship to. Surely if Jesus can do that I can befriend the weak nerd that has odd tendencies. Surely I can be friends with the girl that has been picked on through her entire high school career. I realize I'm totally guilty of this. I've always been quick to judge and quick to think I'm "too good" to hang out with someone. That's totally the wrong attitude to have...and I can't believe I've wasted so much time doing it.

Mark Driscoll is wonderful. Plain and simple. I've been listening to this Redeeming Ruth messages and they've been interesting and challenging to hear. I always thought as the book of Ruth as this great love story about Ruth and Boaz and how Boaz takes Ruth in despite their difference in backgrounds and her financial state. It's always been one of those "I want a man like Boaz" stories, and while Boaz still is pretty awesome and definitely Ruth's knight in shining armor, I guess I missed the obvious. The story of Ruth and Boaz is the Gospel. Ruth is the figure for me (or us) and Boaz is Jesus. I won't do it justice if I try to explain it....just listen to it. It's good stuff...

20 years...

2009-07-16T21:29:00.000-07:00

Well I've succesfully made it through another birthday and this one was totally boss. By far the best birthday I've had in a very very long time...if not ever. My friends have been so amazing and went far beyond what I expected. Now don't go thinking I've become a big birthday lover because I'm not really...but I just had a very chill day and was able to just enjoy myself. It was by far what I wanted and needed...

God has been so good to me and has given me more than I deserve. I have wonderful friends that I love and love me. I spent the afternoon at the Steele's house and that entire family is just wonderful...I love going over there and just talking to Mrs. Steele...listening to Jordyn....watching Princess Protection Program with Janae...then bugging Josh and Mr. Steele when they get home from work. They always give me something to smile about lol

I feel pretty content with my life right now. Like I know that God has the ultimate control over my life and my biggest wants at the moment is basically just growing closer to him. It's not neccesarily a bad want to have right now. Maybe its just because I had a wonderful day but I'm just settled and happy with my life right now. God's brought me to the place I need to be right now and it's pretty solid...life is good =)

vacation...

2009-07-13T10:42:00.000-07:00

So here I sit in phase 2 of my road trip vacation. I have to say I'm enjoying my time...it's definitely been restful!

phase 1 : Peoria, Illinois

Oh how I miss the Hellige family! They were so unbelievably kind and hospitable to me while I was there! I got to just relax and not worry about really anything. It was nice to hang out with Katie and my Jakey boy. I've missed those two so very much. I got to catch up with Katie and talk about the future...school...boys. Oh it was wonderful! And then theres Jake...oh that boy. Let me tell you he's quite a funny kid to be around. He took me out for a "hot date" on Saturday night and showed me a good time in P-town. It was pretty much awesome.

phase 2 : Fairmount, Indiana

I've been here a million times before...yet its always nice to come back. I've only been here a day and they're already picking on me...annoying me...just like the way things always will be. Oh these boys...they keep me entertained! It's great though...It'll be a few days full of fires...s'mores...and apparently a softball game. Let the good times roll.

imperfection is what i'm full of...

2009-07-07T22:08:00.000-07:00

This book is blowing my mind. I can't believe how many of Satan's lies I choose to believe. I could list them all for you but it would be far too long. I have so many things that are constant struggles in my life. I deal with the shallow aspect of physical beauty. I struggle with trying to buy my happiness. I struggle with forgiving those who've abandoned me. I struggle with finding my worth in God, not what I do on earth. I have so many struggles that have been pointed out to me and I'm not even halfway through this book. God is opening my eyes right now and I'm not liking what I'm seeing. I want to break free from these holds that Satan has on me and I know it won't be an easy road, so I'll appreciate the prayers...

imperfect and broken are two things I currently am. Only God can piece me back to what I need to be.

just one of those days...

2009-07-02T20:17:00.000-07:00

Today was another one of those days. You know those days when you've been gone all day but gotten nothing accomplished? One of those days where you're just tired at the end of from doing a whole lot of nothing? Yes....it's been one of those days.

Before I crawl into bed I just want to take a moment to get some writing out of my system.

It's amazing to see what can happen in 6 months. I realize how obsessed I am with going back and looking at things of the past but c'mon...I'm a history major...I think that's a give in. I was reading through my journal entries (yes..I keep a blog AND a journal...) and its amazing to see how God really worked in each situation. The doubts that I had about my relationship with Nate...how we had so many problems and I really wanted God to show me His will and He did. The moments of lonliness in a big new school...God sent me the close friendships I was seeking. The direction in seeking a new major...just everything I needed He provided. When I think back even further I realize all the other ways He really provided for me and my family. After my dad left He kept the people in our lives that would help us out. He provided the furniture...the cars...the food...the hot water...and the positivity of the people around us. Sure we got those "aww...poor thing" looks but over all he kept the right people in our lives. It's pretty awesome to see how all things work together for good...(is it sad that I just heard that in John Piper's voice?)

Goodnight and bagel bites everyone....

Lies, Prayer, and Poopy Diapers?

2009-06-30T21:26:00.001-07:00

In typical Chelsea fashion, I've managed to lose my barrings again. Everything I committed to doing back in March has slowly fallen apart and I'm back at square one again.

First off I have to say that I'm so thankful to have a loving God that not only loves me unconditionallybut also forgives me everytime I screw up...its a real comfort to know that He's always there, no matter what I've managed to screw up. I also want to say that I'm plowing through and shoveling up the crap thats been consuming my life. Like any type of thorough cleansing...it's going to take some time, some elbow grease, and a lot of focus. Lucky for me I have my tools....

Tool #1 : I have my Bible and the book I'm currently going through (Lies Young Women Believe) This book I first started reading when I was still and Indiana Wesleyan but I didn't get very far in it...I've read through the second chapter and my eyes have seriously been open to a lot of things that are wrong with my life...it's definitely been a helpful and challenging book.

Tool #2 : I have an amazing church that I attend. I've been at Emmanuel my entire life, and when I say entire I really mean it. I was born on a Sunday afternoon and Pastor Fuller announced my birth that night. Next Sunday you better believe I was there in all my awkward newborn baby looks. (sidenote...newborn babies look weird...alien-like almost...kind of freaky but apparently moms say theres nothing like the newborn smell? and what smell would that be...poopy diapers and spit-up?...end of sidenote) I've been at that church through it all and a million sunday school classes, thousands of memory verses, and hundreds of nilla wafers...I'm still there and I wouldn't have it any other way. God has brought an amazing new senior pastor to the church and I've definitely enjoyed his preaching.

Tool #3 : I have awesome friends. I have people that I can talk to about the happenings of my life and I have people that are willing to pray for me and encourage me in the different ways. God's been so good to me by giving me different people that have encouraged me my entire life. I'm so grateful for that...

It's going to be a long road and I'm still not going to be perfect. I was explaining to a friend tonight that I have a strong personality and change doesn't come easily for me. I know with God's help anything is possible, but for the record....I'm stubborn. I'll be sure to keep you posted on the happenings as they go....

Ain't that the way it goes...

2009-06-28T21:00:00.001-07:00

Ain't that the way it goes...basically Gloriana is an amazing country band. I was unsure at first but I'm a fan. Its very like Little Big Town meets Sugarland meets Zac Brown band? That's the only way I can think to describe it...

I wish life had an "easy button". You see the staples commercials and all they do is hit the button and poof the problem is taken care of. It's amazing how one event will drastically change you forever. It affects every aspect of your life without you even realizing it. Awesome. Am I ever going to be back to my brand of normal again?

Another Day. Another Boyband...

2009-06-27T22:00:00.001-07:00

Alright ladies...ready for a stroll down memory lane? I've had a lot on my mind recently and while this may not neccesarily apply to everyone, I know it definitely applies to me.

My whole life I've been labeled as "boy crazy". I think it all started at the age of 3 when I shared a play pen with a boy I affecionately nicknamed "Bubba". We went to the same horrible day care and had chicken pox at the same time. I think its safe to say he was my first "boyfriend", if at that age there is such a thing. It then escalated from Bubba to Chris Condon (who by the way is madly in love with my best friend...). Oh the memories I have of chasing him all over the playground aching for that one kiss. One fateful day I got that kiss...it took me and 6 other girls and I got a scrapped knee because of it, but it was totally worth it. It then slowly progressed to the days of 'N sync, Backstreet Boys, and Hanson. I was totally boyband crazy. I could tell you everything about them. What JC's favorite food was...Justin's favorite color...not to mention sing word for word to every song...

Here's my thought though...thinking back to those days of singing and "rocking out" to 'N sync. I could sing all those songs and not miss a word, but if you would've asked me what my Bible verse was I wouldn't be able to tell you. What does that tell you about my priorities? To this day I can still sing those songs word for word, but I can only quote a few of the "big" verses from my AWANA days. I wish I could say that as I've grown older and matured my priorities have shifted. I still find myself falling back into the boy-crazed state of mind. I obviously keep this blog, but I also keep a more detailed and private journal. The past couple days I've just noticed how far I've fallen since the God-high of the middle of the semester. I've been otherwise distracted with...you've guessed it...boys. I know there can be a happy medium...but I just have to get my priorities right. Not to mention the concept of boys/commitment/dating completely petrifies me. Never in my life did I think I would be afraid of commitment, but I guess that's just what happens when you've gotten burned. I've learned a lot...but I've got a long way to go before I'm anywhere near where I should be.

...After all this has passed I still will remain after I've cried my last there'll be beauty from pain though it won't be today someday I'll hope again and there'll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain...

For MY thoughts are not YOUR thoughts...

2009-06-23T22:27:00.001-07:00

Once again I've had that moment where I've shut down my computer and I'm restlessly lying in bed. There was just a nagging in my head. My thoughts were everywhere and then wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am a verse pops into my head...

Isaiah 55:8-9
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

There is a phrase that I've recently used quite a bit. "I do what I want." The perfectly fitting phrase for a stubborn little booger head like myself. However, I have to think...how often has doing what I wanted gotten me into trouble? I mean seriously...lets think about this. I thought I knew what was best for me when I decided to go to the University of Toledo. Within the first couple days,I hated college. Now had I taken the right approach...maybe things wouldn't have happened that way. Maybe I would've gone away to school right away. Now of course God definitely has a way of bringing you to the right place that he has for you but then again I have to wonder how differently things would've been had I actually looking in to different school options. I wonder how many other aspects of my life would have been affected? Don't get me wrong...I'm pretty happy at the place in life God has me, but then again I apparently enjoy playing the "what-if" game.

What if I took the right approach to choosing a school.
What if I would've listened to my sister, best friends, and practically everyone else when it came to my love life.
What if I actually battled against my stubborn habit and did what someone else wanted me to do?

See...now that's where the dilemma is. I can't spend my whole life doing what everyone else wants me to do. What kind of a life would that be anyway? Constantly living to please other people when in reality...who cares about their opinion. It's not like in the end their opinions are the ones that will really matter. Which brings me back to the verses. I read these verses on my friends xanga after she found out her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and I immediately wrote them down. They're pinned on my board along with a couple others I like to remember. God's plans are way bigger and way better than my plans. My plans are bland compared to his. I get to a point where I think "well ok God...things are going pretty well...I can take it from here..." and then like a slap in the face something bad happens and I go running back with my metophorical tail between my legs. It's a constant cycle. Now heres another question. WHY AM I SO RETARDED? I mean honestly...God has the perfect plan for my life and I have the audactiy to think that I can do better? How messed up is that. Here's my thinking and realize it's almost 2 o'clock in the morning so don't hold your breath for anything too earth-shattering. This is me after all...but here's my thought. Stubborness is kind of a good thing and a bad thing. It's a good thing when the thing your stubborn about is good. For example, I'm stubborn to the point that no matter what anyone tries to convince me...I will not stop believing in God. See..good stubborness. Now its bad when I'm stubborn enough to think that I can run my life better than someone who has proven over and over and over again that is plan is unbelievably better. I mean this is the God that planned out the lives of King David, Daniel, Esther, Paul...etc. When they followed God's plan for them, they were used in so many ways. When they tried things their own way...down the pooper they went. I'm kind of sick of being in the pooper. It's really no fun there. So here's my thinking...how about I keep the good stubborness...and lose the bad? Sound good? Why yes...yes it does. Sound easy? Well...yeah I guess a little. Will it be? HECK NO... but I'm going to try really really REALLY hard.

Because these things will change...

2009-06-19T21:17:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. That's basically what it comes down to...I'm borderline crabby and kind of out of it so trying to create a coherent post may be more difficult than I initially thought when I started typing.

If you read back through past posts, change is a big concept in almost all of them. As redundant as it sounds...I'm going to talk about change once more. In one year more things have changed about me than in any other year. I've had more "defining moments" if you will...I went through a major change from college student living at home to a college student living "on her own". That was a big change. Then I had the whole changing of major thing...not to mention a pretty bad break up. God was so good to me through those changes and I know he'll help me through this next one....My friends are super important to me. I would say they are tied with my family for importance, especially my best friends. So riddle me this, what do you do when you're pretty much watching your entire friendship change and there really isn't anything you can do to stop it. You're going one direction and she's going the other. It's not much fun...not to mention you've been the way she's going and its really not that great of a place to go. Obviously I should give a warning or something but we would kind of need to talk for that to happen. It's not like we haven't tired...but we're both just super busy and have different priorities...who knows what'll happen. All I'm saying is it kind of sucks.

I have to say though, I'm thankful for my friends that don't change...no matter how long it's been since we last talked. I was in Columbusthis past weekend and I had the opportunity to hang out with my friend Seth for a little bit. That kid is practically made of awesome. I haven't seen him since last summer and especially during the school year we were both super busy so we didn't talk much either but when I was talking to him I felt like nothing had really changed. The conversation flowed freely and it was just really...chill. I love friendships like that. It's the same way with my honey bunny. I don't see her as often as I'd like but I don't really feel awkward having a conversation with her. I guess this is just a part of growing up...blah blah blah

Another Taylor Swift Song...

2009-06-13T20:34:00.000-07:00

Its been another summer day and I feel like I have something to say but I can't quite place what it is so here I sit in my reading corner, drumming my fingers on my laptop.

I've been told by someone that my life reads like a Taylor Swift song and I have to admit I do have a tendency to switch gears into the teenage mind set but if you think about it...I'm still a teenager. I have almost exactly one month of teenage years left. So this brings me to ask....where has the time gone? Where did my days of coloring books and Where's Waldo go? Well I have to admit...I still enjoy a good Where's Waldo book and we all know I still have several coloring books I still color when I get the time but honestly where did the time go? I recently hung out with my honey bunny and instead of talking about the newest gossip around school or what we were going to wear to the next big party, we talked about careers...marriage...and the future. Can I just say OH MY CRAP. I feel so...old. Ridiculous right? I'm not even 20 years old yet and I'm classifying myself as old. Time just moves too quickly for me I suppose. I have friends that are getting married...friends that have already gotten married...and friends that are planning their engagments. It's insanity is what it is. It'd be nice to freeze time for a bit.

On another note...I'm a reader. Not sure when the whole "I love to read" thing started because if you ask any of my elementary teachers they would tell you how much I hated it. I would refuse to read....reading was stupid or atleast thats how I saw it. I think the whole reading kick came when the school started the lovely AR program. Oh Accelerated Reader...how you drove me crazy when I was in school. It turned out though that all those points I earned developed a love for reading in me. I guess I owe Mrs. Christiaanse and Mrs. Covrett for that. I've recently started combining my love for history with my love for reading. I'm in the process of reading two biographies. They're both a little random I'm aware but one is on Walt Disney and the other is Kirk Cameron. Yes...that's right. I'm reading Mike Seaver's biography. While reading through these, it makes me wonder...if I was interesting enough to right about what would my biography say? When I think back to my past years I can't really think of anything worth while. I mean sure...I have enough cute antedotes from my years as the pesky little asian girl that ran around being rambunctous and devious, but when it really comes down to it what worth while things have I done? Now I'm not expecting to create a cure for cancer because those that know me will tell you how horrible I am at science. I don't expect to save the world one hybrid car at a time. I don't really expect much I suppose. I just wonder what would be said. Would it be something along the lines of "oh Chelsea...that was the cute little asian girl" or "oh Chelsea...loud, obnoxious, and spoiled rotten but for some reason we still loved her" or would it be "Chelsea...while she had a lot of screw ups and made a lot of mistakes...she still tried to live each day being the best person she could be and used her gifts and talents all for the glory of God."

I'm not sure what my point was of this...maybe its just another day of rambling. Maybe I am turning into Taylor Swift...looks like only time will tell.

Mid-day Ramblings

2009-06-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

Another day of summer. Another day of work. Another day without a nap...so tell me why is it that I'm blogging instead of napping? Apparently I'm just slightly retarded but I guess I'm ok with that for the time being...

One would think that something deep and profound would have happened to me in the past month or so since I've posted. I can honestly say I don't think anything has happened. Since I've been home from school I've managed to go back to Indiana twice and during the first trip I really learned some "life lessons" as lovely as they are.

Life lesson #1 : Girls are stupid. Shock of the century right there huh? Basically what it comes down to is girls are lame and they're mean and catty. I'm the first to admit that I can get like that but for the most part I just try to be chill because really who wants to stay in a high school state of mind forever? Not this chick...

Life lesson #2 : Not all boys should be trusted. That's a lesson I really should've learned a long time ago but for some reason I like to be naive and think that the bad apples are in the minority...when in reality they're the majority. I mean I know there are still some class act guys out there but up until recently I just kept finding douche bag after douche bag. To use a Caleb quote...NOT GOOD. Needless to say...I've definitely become a little paranoid about the people I hang out with. Last thing I need is a replay of some of the things that have happened this past semester.

Life lesson #3 : This one is one that has been drilled into my head over the past few months...I can thank my dear friend Josh for it and his love of John Piper. Don't Waste Your Life. Each day should be a day where I grow spiritually and find ways to serve Christ in my life. For me I know I don't always reflect a Christ-like attitude. I screw up a lot and I know that..shoot everyone knows that. I'm not going to try and make an excuse by saying its 'hard' or something else equally lame. Creating excuses won't do anything and it won't help me better myself. To quote relient k...the truth is excuses are lame. accept consequence, accept the blame. Based on stupid choices that I've made in the past...I'm still reaping the consequences and yeah it sucks but you learn to just go on and not make the same mistake twice...or three times...etc. Moral of the story is...Don't Waste Your Life (Phil. 1:20-21) [Josh...you're the best]

on a less serious note...here is a list of random things I've accomplished...

I learned how to spell 'definitely'. I'm almost 20 years old for goodness sake and I didn't know how to spell it. Thank goodness for T9word.
I completed my 60 hours of observation for my major. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be...I'm curious to see what it would be like in a public school.
I've made about a million cards [slight exaggeration] but really I haven't made any cards in a long time...so this was thrilling
I (well ok...mommy) bought me Criminal Minds season 2. I don't know why I find the show so interesting but its quickly become an obsession.
I currently have a Jack Johnson obsession. Lucky for me I have friends that are obsessed as well. Hooray for mix cds.

Nerd Alert.

2009-04-25T11:05:00.000-07:00

I am a nerd and I'm proud of it! Here I am on my second day of "official" summer vacation and what am I doing...watching the History Channel. I have to say I consider myself lucky. I'm out of school much earlier than everyone else! At the same time however, I can't wait to get back and see all my friends...three males in particular. Ryne, Russ, and Brock. They pretty much rock my socks....They have become the three people I hang out with most, which has apparently caused some dissension among their friends but its not my fault? Needless to say, its been two days and I miss them.

I'm excited its summer though. I'm curious and eager to see what God does in my life in the next four months. We have a new pastor taking the pulpit in a few weeks and from what I remember when he spoke, he's going to be great! I'm basically just really excited for things to happen!!

My thoughts are all over the place these days...I haven't had the opportunity to update in a while and its unfortunate that its not very profound...please forgive me haha

Sunshine and Summertime

2009-03-22T19:54:00.001-07:00

I cannot even begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to summer and next school year! I have so many things to do before the end of this semester in order to ensure I'll be here next semester. I need to get a new plan, pay my bill, register for classes, get financial aid in order and get my housing in...

I have to say I'm really looking forward to seeing how God works...especially this summer and next year. I want to see what doors he'll open and what doors he'll slam shut. I'm really excited for everything though. I've made some awesome friends so far this semester and none of it would've happened if I hadn't gone through the crap I did. I'm so thankful for it now and I knew I would be once I was through it. I'm just really eager to see what the summer and school year hold for me!

Laguna Beach?

2009-03-16T22:20:00.000-07:00

Ok stick with me here...its another stretch...

Have you ever watched a "reality" tv show and watched all the drama unfold, all the stupid girls, all the stupid decisions and swear to yourself you would NEVER put up with it? I remember saying these things. I rememeber saying I would never make the same stupid mistakes Jessica made in Laguna Beach season 2...I would never let myself fall into the situation with her and Jason. Yet some how I found that I have and I did. I have no idea how it happened though...it kind of just did. You "fall in love" and suddenly you lose yourself and you lose the concept of self preservation...atleast thats how it is with me. When I'm in love I give everything I have to give. The person comes first before me. His needs...basically anything I can do in my power I do. I'm a people pleaser as unfortunate at it is...I love making other people happy. It's a good quality and a bad quality to have...I'm easy to take advantage of and I know that yet some how I manage to let myself be taken advantage of. I put myself in stupid situations and it just...happens. Wow. Not fun and the whole picking up the pieces of your life when one person basically shatters it with a baseball bat is no fun either. All my dreams for the future...scattered on the floor. Now how do I not be angry about it? Could you tell me? Is there a magic way to just get over it? No...there isn't and it sucks.

As if picking up the broken pieces of my heart and self-confidence isn't enough I get to make a big girl decision here soon. I get to decide on a career. YAY! I'm just really lost as to what to do. God I'm trying to see your will but I'm getting clouded by my stubborness and my wants. I feel like we're constantly playing tug-of-war and I don't know why I'm not just letting go. I'm trying but its like the rope is glued to my hands and I just can't give up and give you control. Why am I a control freak?

2009-03-14T17:19:00.000-07:00

Yet another weekend at home...

I know what you're all thinking. Wow she must really hate being at school. Well thats not entirely true. I enjoy it there especially since I've met some pretty sweet people and I'm looking forward to getting to know them better. One in particular...but I'm not looking to get my hopes up just yet. It's inevitablely going to be a little complex if I let it.

So the reason why I'm home. I've been having vision issues. The eye doctor wanted to see me...therefore I had to miss class Friday and go to the eye doctor. It was a good time let me tell you! But not to worry...I'm fine. Apparently floaters are completely normal? Yeah I looked at him like he was insane when he told me that seeing as I've never had a problem with them until like...2 1/2 weeks ago. I'm happy to say that I'm "normal" atleast in the vision aspect...but I still think being normal is overrated.

I'm still struggling through some stuff right now. God I really don't understand what you're trying to do and what you want for my life. Douglas J? IWU? I'm having trouble clearly seeing God. Show me your path...I'm still struggling with more...personal aspects...of life as well. Anger and frusteration are way easier to feel. I'm tired of this battle. Everyday...same thing...and here's the great thing...some how I'm still finding a way to blame it on myself?! How sick is that? Apparently I've just got issues...

I get to see Kevin tonight. [[woot]]

Open My Eyes, Ears, and Heart...

2009-03-10T21:01:00.001-07:00

God I feel like you're trying to tell me something right now and I'll admit, I haven't really been listening. I've messed up again God. Open my eyes, my ears, and my heart to your will Lord. I want what you have for me. The blessings, the trials, the life lessons...I want all that you would have for me. Renew my mind. Renew my spirit. Renew my soul O God.

"A thousand times I fail still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades.
Never ending your glory goes beyond all fame.

Your will above all else my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting you light will shine when all else fades
Never ending your glory goes beyong all fame.

In my heart and my soul, I give you control,
consume me from the inside out Lord.
Let justice and praise, become my embrace
to love you from the inside out..."

Let this be my prayer God...

2009-03-10T11:57:00.000-07:00

I'm definately finding myself a cup full of crazy these days. I'm starting to think I actually need to go to the doctor and well...that's back home and I'm here, three hours away with no car. Good plan right? Well I guess here's hoping that I get to go home sometime here in the near future and that I'll be able to get an appointment!

I'm falling behind on the what I wanted to accomplish by this point in time. I thought I'd be really sure about where I wanted to be next year but after visiting the school I'm pretty sure I'm more confused than I was before I went. I have yet to read through all the material because quite frankly, I have other things I'd rather be reading. For example, Lies Women (and Young Women) Believe has been just sitting lonely on my shelf. I was so excited to read those books as devotional thoughts and they're still kind of just sitting there. Lets chalk another up for losing track of time and falling asleep. I really need to read those books though, they'll definately come in handy later on.

So remember the no boys vow? Yeah me too...so let me ask you this. The second I decide to take a break and kind of just heal why is it that oh I don't know...6 different guys all show interest? Ok I may be over-exaggerating on a few of them...but honestly like a few have vocalized their...feelings. I'm so not in the mood to deal with this. I don't like hurting their feelings, but its one of those it'll probably never happen in the first place, but then I guess you never know right? Like I said...boys are dumb. Sorry if I offend any of you...lol

I talked with on of my friends back home last night. He's a super freaky genius...has a couple full rides being thrown at him so he has big decisions to make. Ironically I do too. One would think two years into college I'd have a good grasp on what I want to be...but I don't. Of course we ended up talking about John Piper and I'm in the process of listening to one of his sermons. Good stuff is coming out of them...I'm just waiting to see where God leads. Big neon signs would be nice but then again...we need to be wise enough to make the right decision. It'll all turn out ok though...I'm trying to be optimistic :)

blurp blurp blurp

2009-03-05T20:46:00.000-08:00

I visited Aveda today...oh my. I knew the program would be intense, but I didn't realize how intense it would be. Day classes would be from 9-4:30 Tuesday through Saturday, night classes would be from 5-10pm Monday-Friday. If I do it, I'll definately do the day classes, I don't want to be walking through a parking garage in a strange city at 10 o'clock at night. I'm just confused as to what God wants me to do. I'm so...lost, but its all good because I know He will open and close the doors that He wants opened and closed. I'm just kind of lost right now. lol

I have managed to get nothing done over spring break. All the books I was planning to read, didn't even get a chance to touch them. My journaling has fallen way behind...my room is a mess...it just hasn't been the spring break I thought it would be. My nephew turned 1 today. I'm kind of just at a loss as how much can change in 1 year. He's still a monster...bigger than all the other kids but he's still a little cutie :) I've realized certain ships have sailed and well I guess I get to stand on the shore and wave good bye. Maybe they'll come back some day, but that's not for me to decide. I'm curious to see where I'll be next year. Aveda? IWU? UT? please...can't I just flip a coin? lol

I'm bummed I'm not going to get a chance to see Bo. I wish I could see him, but I think by the time I'm back, he'll be in back at BBC being Adam and loving Jesus...I just love him. He's seriously so great, he's going to be such an awesome pastor some day! I'd love to see Seth too, there's another really great guy. His girlfriend is a lucky little lady and I sure hope she realizes it...if not I'll gladly take him ;) Just kidding...I'm breaking from boys lol It'll be better this way...yet none of my friends think I have it in me. Talk about great encouragement right? But seriously, I'm taking time to love on the only one that can love me unconditionally. Yay Jesus!

untitled...

2009-03-03T19:56:00.000-08:00

I'm not really sure how to title this, it's mainly going to be a bunch of blurbs and points of randomness...story of my life really lol

I love the insight of some of my friends. I love reading about different thoughts they have, or hearing what they have to say, or just the encouragement they have for me in my current status in life right now. My friend Josh has developed a pretty intense liking for John Piper and he now has me listening to his sermons online...I feel like a bit of a nerd..lol The one I'm listening to right now is All Things For Good, Part 3. I couldn't find Part 1 or 2...so I'm kind of jumping in at the end...I'm curious to see what he has to say though...

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I'm still searching for what God wants for me. He's brought a lot of realizations into my life recently about where I was placing too many things before Him...and thats definately not cool...I'm thankful though that He's opened my eyes and that He's been with me during these moments. I could never be more thankful....

Well I'm going to finish my sermon...then go to bed. Yay John Piper?!

Diary of a Mad Asian Woman...

2009-03-01T21:48:00.000-08:00

Ok not really...but I did watch this movie tonight with Paige. Moral of the story is black olive pizza, popcorn, melt-away mints and a good movie is the perfect recipe for an exciting night! I love her mucho mucho and I'm so happy I had the opportunity to hang out with her! She's is nothing short of amazing :)

We had the new pastoral candidate come and speak to the congregation today. I'm not going to lie, I really like him. He seems like he'd be a good fit for the church. I enjoyed his sermons both this morning and evening, he had a lot of good things to say! Apparently he lost major points with some on Friday with his "epic" chapel on Ehud the left handed judge? lol I got a good laugh out of I'm not going to lie...

Spring break is starting to make a bit of a turn around. I love my friends and I've missed them a lot! I'm super excited to see how this week goes! I've got a few days of work, and a LOT of catching up to do with some other friends. I'm excited :)

Thank you for a good day God!

So much from a break?

2009-02-28T14:00:00.000-08:00

Well spring break is here! I have to say though...I'm having a pretty miserable time so far...Things just aren't going as well as I would like. Don't get me wrong..there are definately highlights and good things that have happened...but God I don't know what you're trying to do in other situations. I'm afraid he's never going to forgive me for the hurt I've caused him but God I shouldn't worry about that. That's between the two of you right? I know you can change his heart God, I'm sorry I'm having such a hard time trusting you...its just going to be one of those weeks. I can already tell and I can already feel it...I'm just so confused and flustered right now! I don't want to let you down, and I don't want things to go back to the way that they were. You're always in control...show me what you want me to do....

Sunny with a High of 55

2009-02-25T19:50:00.000-08:00

Thank you Lord for a beautiful day! I can't thank you enough for the sunshine and warmer weather! God you knew I needed it today and I just thank you so much for it!

Today was a lovely day! It didn't quite reach 55, but it was warmer, the sun was shining and I was actually happy. I had a good day. I'm so thankful for that! I haven't had a day when I've felt this good in a while, Thank you Lord. The sun was shining, I took two walks around campus, got a blended lemonade from McConn...it was just a really good day! I don't want to brag about it, but I'm really excited! I'm excited to see the work that God is doing in me! I just feel like He's ready to show me so many things about himself and I can't wait. I've had to make some really hard decisions lately, and don't get me wrong...I hurt, but I'm so excited to see what God has in store for me! I've been praying for guidance and I've been praying for the person I hurt. I'm sorry that it had to go this way but I need to change and by hanging on to something from the past it just wasn't going to happen. I was to vulnerable to the devil if you read my previous post. My emotions were involved and exposed and I need to change, this is the way that it has to be for now. I've turned the situation over to God. I've decided that if he wants to bless me with that friendship again than I will be more than willing to accept it, but the opposite is also true. If it's not in His plan for my future, I'm just going to have to let it go. I'm seeking Him, and I'm waiting for His direction, and I don't know if I've said this already...but I'm really excited! lol

The Armor of God

2009-02-24T12:25:00.000-08:00

It's been a pretty long day today. An unfortunate situation basically erupted today and I'm still a little worked up about it. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut, but all this happened before I made my commitment to change and it's just like one thing after the other these days...I've got a lot of people praying for me and I know prayer is a powerful tool. I called my friend Steve and kind of talked through some things with him and he told me about what he had gone over in Bible study that morning. They were going over the Armor of God found in Ephesians 6. After telling him about the commitment that I made he started reading out of his NLT. There is a section of application on the armor of God and this is what it has to say....

God's Armor For Us : We are engages in a spiritual battle--all believers find themselves subject to Satan's attacks because they are no longer on Satan's side. Thus, Paul tells us to use every piece of God's armor to resist Satan's attacks and to stand true to God in the midst of those attacks.

The Belt of Truth : Satan fights with lies and sometimes his lies sound like the truth; but only believers have God's truth, which can defeat Satan's lies.

The Body Armor of Righteousness : Satan often attacks our hearts--the seat of our emotions, self-worth, and trust. God's righteousness is the body armor that protects our heart and ensures his approval. He approves of us because he loves us and sent his Son to die for us.

The Shoes of Good News : Satan wants us to think that telling others the Good News is a worthless and hopeless task -- the size of the task is too big and teh negative responses are too much to handle. But the shoes God gives us are the motivation to continue to proclaim the true peace that is available in God -- news everyone needs to hear

The Shield of Faith : What we see are Satan's attacks in the form of insults, setbacks, and temptations. But they shield of faith protects us from Satan's fiery arrows. With God's perspective we can see beyong our circumstances and know that ultimate victory is ours.

The Helmet of Salvation : Satan wants to make us doubt God, Jesus and our salvation. The helmet protects our mind from doubting God's saving work for us.

The Sword (Word of God) : The sword is the only weapon of offense in this list of armor. There are times when we need to take the offensive against Satan. When we are tempted we need to trust in the truth of God's Word.

So I realize that was long but it was definately applicable to my life right now. I made the commitment to change, Satan's mad I'm done with his ways...so now he's trying to get me to give up. Right now he's using the lies, my emotions, and setbacks. I'm trying to fight back but I'm afraid that I'm failing...I've pulled out the stops and have enlisted the help of people to pray for me and encourage me. God I know you are pursuing me and I am pursuing you...I want to live my life for You.

Power of a Moment...

2009-02-23T22:05:00.000-08:00

I'm so thankful for my RA. I had the opportunity to sit down and talk with her today and she's an amazing person. I'm going through so many hurts and disappointments and confusion and she's lent a listening ear, offered advice when she had some to offer, and just was there for me. I don't know how else to explain it other than God heard and answered my prayer of lonliness. He sent me Kayliegh who not only comes from a similiar story, but has a love and passion and joy in Him that I cannot wait to have. She challenged me with a few questions...mostly she challenged me with the question "Who am I in God?" I haven't come up with any answers yet...but I'm definately thinking about it. I've made my commitment to you God. I'm not backing away this time...

Love...

2009-02-22T15:33:00.000-08:00

1 John 4:18

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

"Love is patient, love is kind. it does not evny, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love Never Fails."

I have such a skewed view of love. Basically what it comes down to is...I'm not loving the way I should be. I'm honestly doubting that love can make it through anything. I'm not refering to perfect love, I'm refering to the love that I have. I doubt it can keep things together and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to reach a perfect love. I'm not saying its impossible, but I'm just not sure. I've got so many other things going on inside myself. Fear is a big part of it...and I know what I'm being punished for. I have no one to blame but myself. I'm trying..I'm struggling..I'm crying...still. Taking everything one day at a time is basically how this is going to have to work, but what I think it comes down to is this....I don't really love you and I'm still struggling to think that you love me...

Sunday Sunday Sunday...

2009-02-22T10:35:00.000-08:00

This morning I got on facebook and saw some articles posted by one of my friends back home. He posted three different articles all by John Piper. Say waht you will about the man...not everyone agrees with him...but I was raised Baptist so you have to allow some John Piper in my life. lol

Article 1 : How Can I Discern the Specific Calling of God on my Life?
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TopicIndex/92_Knowing_Gods_Will/2482_How_can_I_discern_the_specific_calling_of_God_on_my_life/
Article 2 : How Can I Discern the Specific Ministry God Wants Me to Pursue?
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TopicIndex/92_Knowing_Gods_Will/2567_How_can_I_discern_what_ministry_God_wants_me_to_pursue/
Article 3 : How Should I Spend My Time?
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TopicIndex/92_Knowing_Gods_Will/3143_How_should_I_spend_my_time/

Hopefully those links will work. They're pretty good articles and they definately are applicable to where I am in life! They talked a lot about renewing your mind and immersing yourself into God's word. I'm in the process of doing that, or atleast I'm trying to. It'll probably take a while, and I'm not expecting a quick fix. Quick fixes never last...I want this to be something that sticks. I'm tired of getting the quick fix and then going back to the way things used to be. I want to do things the right way.

2009-02-21T21:51:00.000-08:00

I am so ready for summer. Give me the warm weather, the tan, the cookouts and the fireworks. Bring on the flip flops and the thunderstorms. Bring on the best friends and the unforgettable moments. I'm ready for summer...

Proverbs 3:5

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path."

I learned this verse eons ago when I was really young in Sparkies. Then I learned it again in Chums. Then I learned it again in jr high Bible classes, and Sunday school classes, and basically every other form of Bible teaching or church related card/encouraging note. Over all those years, I kind of just brushed it off because I knew what the verse said and I knew what the verse meant...yet as stupid as it sounds I didn't realize how applicable it was to life, especially my own. I'm not going to lie, I have trust issues. I have issues not being in control and letting someone else be the one to take the reigns. Naturally everyone would assume that I'm a leader...well you're wrong. For the most part, I'll let someone else lead the large group, I'm more of a blend into the background follower; atleast when it comes to academic groups and assignments. I do, however, like to be in control. I like to control what I'm feeling and I like to control what happens in my life but I've completely realized that sometimes things happen that as much as you'd like to control them...you can't. God is the only controller of everything. I feel like a horrible Christian by saying I have a hard time trusting God, but as I've proved yet again...when I try to control my life I make a mess of it. I make a mess of my emotions. I make a mess of my future. I myself become a mess. Now that I've made the realization, the next step is to really try. I know I have a huge problem with it. I have a huge problem with many things. I'm trying though. I'm trying to change. I'm not content with "just being the way I've always been" I was born with a sinful nature. If you knew me in jr high you would've thought I was the spawn of Satan...but I'm not happy with just being the way I am. I need to change. I have many things I need to tackle and I'm not looking forward to the inevitable tears along the way, but it needs to happen. I need to change. This is going to have to be my me and God time. I'm eager to see how God works in me, and I'm excited to be changed. I'm not naive though, it's going to be rough and I'm going to feel really low, but thats what I need.

"God always works with people where they are, doing for them what they need most"

seasons change...so can I

2009-02-20T22:16:00.000-08:00

Galatians 6:7-10

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."

Ecclesiastes 3:1,4-8

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:...."

"a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance; a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,a time to embrace and a time to refrain; a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away; a time to tear down and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak; a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."

As I haven't kept from hiding, I've been going through a lot. I've made my decision after praying about it and reading what God has already said in His word. It's not going to be an easy road to travel. It won't be enjoyable. I'm trusting that this too shall pass. I've been finding comfort in the fact that there is a time for everything. This is my time to reap what I've sown. I'm paying for the sins that I have done...and I'm ashamed but I know that through this I will become a stronger and better Christian. I feel like this has been my breaking point. Throughout my entire life I've played a type of hide and seek game with God. I'd run and hide, live my life whatever way I wanted to...but he'd find me and then it would be my turn to seek him. Then once I've found him I run and hide again. I'm tired of playing the game. I don't want to hide anymore and I know I cannot make it through this on my own strength. My sinful nature has been showing through lately...I've been struggling a lot of envy and jealousy. Two very similar and equally ugly emotions. I'm trying to change and I know it won't be easy. I've been praying about it and looking for ways to make the change, but as we all know changes don't happen overnight. It's going to be a process and it's going to take a toll on me emotionally. But I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength...

two-a-day? kind of?

2009-02-19T21:05:00.000-08:00

Well I realize I just updated a few hours ago...but blogging helps me see and process what I'm thinking through. Currently I've just had a lot on my mind. A lot of pressure. I've been upset, angry, hurt, disappointed, jealousy, and hurt again. These are the emotions that have plagued my past few weeks. They're not pretty ones. I'm having the hardest time trying to be happy. I've cried, a lot. It's been intense and I'm tired of crying out of hopelessness. Today, I made use of my crying and I cried...hard. I cried out to God. It's something that I've been struggling to do. I keep thinking that I can make this through with my own strength...and I can't. I've given it over to Him. He's the only one that can control the situation the way it needs to be. I still don't know what I'm going to do...but I'm spending a lot of time praying about it. I've been looking up passage after passage having to deal with friendship, forgiveness, jealousy, commitment...etc. I'm waiting for God to guide me in the direction I need to go. I deserve respect and I deserve more than I'm getting...but I can't demand it. All I can do is pray that God shows me the correct way to handle the situation. Walk far away and give up hope? or do I suffer through the pain and the hurt. Stand by his side and do my best to be there for him. Both don't seem like really great options, but I know I'd be able to handle either one with God's help. I'm just at a loss as to what that is right now...Open my eyes and my heart God! Let me see your will for this.

cry me a river...

2009-02-19T14:14:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure I've just cried way to much lately. My pillow case is a testament to that. Its been wrecked by streaks of my so called "waterproof" mascara. God I'm trying to hard to trust you, but I'm failing miserably. I'm miserable. I'm trying my hardest not to be petty...but I find myself choking on the words. I just want to scream, but I know it won't help anything. God please just lead me in the direction you want me to go...I'm not sure how much longer I can stand at this fork in the road.

Dolorian anyone??

2009-02-17T18:50:00.000-08:00

Well I'm still waiting on that time machine.

I don't know what I want these days. Somedays I consider saying screw people all together, but then I remember...oh yeah I'd be depressed...and I'm talking majorly depressed. Then again...no people means no disappointment other than yourself. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth the exchange. I'm re-reading through some old books...some Dee Hendersons and one of my old Bible study books. Papa Bear would be so proud. Especially seeing as its one of those topics I sturggle with the most. I'm excited though...I'm hoping my mentality about the subject will be altered drastically. I could use some drastic changes...problem is I'm not good at making them. I never have been. Going away to school was a streeeetttttcccchhhh. Part of me thinks I made a mistake in doing so. Oh well, you learn from your mistakes. Some lessons take a lot of repitition to finally show me that SURPRISE! it's a mistake and its NOT making anything better. Now I love that I always say this but I still do stupid things. Yeah something's gotta give...I'm just not sure at the moment what that is. I guess I only have to be in the situation a few more months...then it will become a lot harder to make the same mistakes...ooh life. full of disappointments and heart break. hip hip hooray.

decisions, decisions...

2009-02-16T19:02:00.000-08:00

Ever wish that time travel was real? Maybe not actually go back in time...but have a video record of what could have happened based on decisions you've made. You could see the outcome of what could have actually happened. I have to say I wish I did. I know the days I'd go back to. The wrong decisions that were made, but I wonder even if I made the other decision would it have turned out any better? I'm not going to lie, I really regret some of the decisions I've made in the past couple years. I've screwed up quite a few times. Yes, I've made quite a few mistakes. Now I'm not sure what to do...put the walls back up? Take some time to recover and piece my life back together? Not sure I like that option...it involves pushing people away...taking time to myself...and letting in the few people that have never let me down...

Disappointment is such a funny thing. You always think you know how you're going to handle it...that is until it happens and you're just like wow...this hurts a lot more than I thought it would...You know it sucks when you don't know what to do. I've been at this place countless times...and I'm starting to get tired of it. Trying to find the solution to the issue...not gonna be easy...I wish I wasn't such a disappointment to you God. I don't know how it is that you could possible still love me. I don't deserve it. I've made the same mistakes over and over and over again...thank you for still being here for me. Help me learn my lesson for good this time God. I want to be a better Christian for you...